so where the hell's my hope?

not gonna lie, i want 2014 to be over. i have lost so much (unfortunately, not weight. only thing i wish i lost, but alas). this year and i cannot actually wait for it to be over.

i thought 2013 was the worst year of my life, but no. looking back, 2014's way worse. i've lost him, i've lost the friendship i thought would last a lifetime. i've lost all my aspirations to follow my dreams. worst of all i feel like i have lost myself. 

as much as it upsets me that i'm home, maybe this is best for me to not make any mistakes that can potentially ruin my life further, just like the beginning of 2013. i thought 2014 would be the best year of my life. turns out i've never been more wrong. 

2015, i beg you. please, pretty please, be nice to me. 

there'll be days like this my momma said

4.33 in the morning and brain finally turned off. "i had forgotten that this morning was this morning". maybe some reading before bed would be a good idea.

i don't remember since when i've started to like poems. maybe that time i found out my sister wrote poems. maybe that time i stayed awake in class and learnt about duffy and "disgrace". the flow of the rhythm. the onomatopoeic nature of words. the raw emotions of the poet. almost too electrical and intangible for me to touch and feel. tonight i read this. i want to feel, desperately grasping onto that last strand of romanticism in me that is not washed away by the exhaustion and frustration.

"we have both learnt the art of capture.
maybe we are learning the art of embracing.
maybe we are learning the art of letting go." - sarah kay