the world is getting closer, strangers passing by.

i'm at that point in my life where i'm starting to question everything. some of the most frequently asked questions are definitely:

• why is life so unfair?
• why are people so mean?
• where did my money go?
• where did i leave my other shoe?
• did i down that drink too quickly? (or should i get another?)
• maybe prostitution would work out if school doesn't?
• why i do care and others don't?
• what if i'm not on the right track?
• maybe that person doesn't want to stay in my life?
• shots or champagne? (champagne if you're feeling classy)

scary thing is i don't have answer to all most of the questions (just because i don't want to answer the one about money evaporating doesn't mean i don't know where i've spent it. it just means i don't want to remember). to me, answers are everything, so is the process, but answers all the way. however, i feel like my perspective's changing. maybe the process is important too. 

it's like shopping to all you ladies out there. that black and white tartan bomber jacket is great and looks beautiful on, but choosing it was fun too. i'm a big online shopper and every second passed feels like a race. "ohh, do you think anyone's chosen the same thing? must buy soon" or "maybe someone else wants it more" or even "DAMN IT'S ON SALE. I CAN'T SAY NO TO THAT". this is what i mean by process. process can be fun too.

i guess the main point now is to experience and enjoy the ride. i'm still young and all i have to do is just to learn to stand on my own two feet. 

this is the rhythm of my life.

how you've all been? i've been good, have been better, but still good. well i've been ill for about three weeks now, and i have not gotten any better. sucks i know, but you know as a modern day woman, i've got to just suck it up and get on with it. (head hurts while writing this, so don't get upset if thoughts don't really make sense this time round - it's not like it made any sense before you know but eh)

i guess it's that time of the year when work gets hectic and life is on the verge of falling apart, but things have been working out for me. for once, universities actually seems tangible. for once, i've lost weight (not a lot, but i'm getting there. slowly but surely). for once, i feel like i'm not drowning in either work or sorrow. for once, i feel loved and needed. 

maybe turning eighteen really opened up my mind. it's like sense has been calling out to me and i've finally heard it. time to mature and to adult up sam lee. i've been doing really adult-y things that i've never done before or failed to do before. 

1. i can finally get alcohol LEGALLY- only really happened once because i stayed over at a friend's. i'm not an alcoholic. or so i think
2. i've been growing my nails out - i had long nails once, but kept them short for sometime. you know they get in the way, but doesn't growing out your nails seem like such a grow-up thing to do?
3. i've been getting on with work - again, sam lee didn't use to work. i know, the sun is rising from the west
4. my sister can finally tolerate me - we're actually getting along. it's great
5. credit cards - enough said.
6. intellectual conversations with acquaintances who hate my guts - i'm proud of myself, what can i say?
7. i've been replying to messages - i feel like now that i've grown, i need to make sure people know i'm alive most of the time

you'll probably think i'm being all dramatic with the things i do now, because they don't seem too special. it's hard for me to make a new habit so it's a big deal for me. maybe they're easy things, but then again i cannot cope with real life (no kidding, i trip over myself sometimes. i can't really tie my shoelaces as well, they don't stay up).

oh god. i fail being a human. great.

just be happy people. things will work out at the end, just like always. maybe things are hard, but you know it'll be fine. look at me. i don't know know how to tie my laces and yet i still survive fine. i scrape by, but eh i'm doing alright.

 

it's just a spark, but it's enough to keep me going.

bonfire night. one of the most english things i've experienced since i've come to school here. a night where people dress up as guy fawkes and light chemicals on fire. oh, fireworks. that's what they're called.

fireworks symbolise independence, freedom and hope. just what i've been needing recently. they're beautiful things, aren't they? dangerous, yet mesmerising. if you stand too close, it will burn you. yet if you stand too far, you'll miss the beauty of it.

i've never stood so close to fireworks. i could feel the heat on my face. it was beautiful. i thought maybe if i stood even close, i would've been able to catch them. isn't that what most people try to do, capture that last bit of fleeting hope?

i know i won't remember every single shape in ten years time. who would? so i busted out my baby, and tried to capture every moment of this. all this. i wanted to share the moment. with that one person i love, am loving and will love for the rest of my life.

i wish he was here with me. 

i wish he could witness this with me. 

i wish he would put his arms around me. 

i wish he could tell me everything would be okay. 

because i know, if he were here, things would be. they always have been, are and will be alright at the end.

yet i'm alone, waiting. he promised he'll see the fireworks with me. he promised he'll watch that wrenching movie with me, passing me kleenex when i cry everything but my memories out. he promised he'll love me forever.

i still believe. i will always believe. he's the one for me.

think of one thing in this whole wide world you wouldn't wanna miss

11:11

i'm not always aware of the time. i only own one watch and god knows how long it's stopped working for. i can rely on my phone nowadays. technology i know. it's quite handy really, but there's only one time i truly truly look out for.

 

11:11

i don't know where i read this from. think it's some kind of movie or something, but i always make a wish at 11:11. always. 

i take the business of making wishes very seriously. sometimes even too seriously. i guess it's one of my quirky little habits. like naming everything i own. my laptop's called fred and my camera's leila. (i've read somewhere about my naming habit. apparently i'm verging on becoming mad. then again, all the best people are.)

i'm not superstitious. well i guess i am, but i don't like to think of myself that way. who doesn't want to be the strong one who doesn't rely on anyone else? who doesn't want to be the intelligent one who knows everything she comes across? who doesn't want to be the lucky one who has no troubles to deal with at all? me. i want it to be me. 

i'm probably not making any sense to you, but i am to myself and that's all that matters. sometimes it's good to know there's someone watching over you, listening to your prayers and wishes. it gets really lonely when no one else understands you. maybe wishing upon a time would mean someone understands and is able to help with the situation. 

11.11

who knows when i'm going to stop this little habit of mine. who knows if i'm going to stop at all. all that matters is that i have someone or something above to rely on. 

if you wish hard enough, you'll get it. 

oh and that person on earth too. that person who brings you all the hopes and joys. 

happy 11:11.