she was holdin' a pair, but i had to try

so when you're home with your family, you probably would watch a movie or chat. well this isn't what we do in the lee abode. we gamble. big two, poker, black jack, you name it. however, our favourite has always been mahjong. i've been playing since i was in year two. impressive i know. 

today was another normal (gambling) day in the lee's household. as always, my brother was winning. he doesn't really have the skills, but he has the luck. i mean who needs skills when you have luck? he WAS winning until this.

i won't need to explain how good this combo is to people who play mahjong. to people who don't play mahjong, this is harder than winning the lottery, which is 1 in 13,983,816. i'm not the best in maths, but my godbrother helped me calculate the probability of getting this combo and he said some number with seventeen zeros. that doesn't really mean anything to me. all i know this combo has gotten me 300 HKD or 3000 points.

god, i just love home.

when you gonna live you life right?

hong kong. where do i start? let's just list some facts first.

• it's one of the smallest cities in the whole world
• it has an amazing railway service - and i mean it. it's greaaat.
• it's a beautiful place
• it's home

i went out for supper with a great friend today and we caught sight of the amazing skyline. he started teaching me how to properly use a camera. what to do when there's a lot of light. what to do when i don't want a shadow to look that way. i've always loved photography, but this has opened my eyes to a whole new world. photography gives me a fresh new perspective to see the world and i like that. 

i guess when one over-thinks, everything one sees, one can relate to life. that was what i was like when i took all these photos. photography is like life. you'd always want the best out of a photo. i want the light to hit the object in this direction and only on that area. i want that boat out of the way. i want to calm the waves. however what do you know what's the best until you've tried all ways?

"how do you know which shutter speed and what size of the aperture to use?"

"you don't. you just need to try until you get the best photo. you won't really know what is perfect until you've seen the imperfect ones and improve from them."

my friend is only four months older than me, yet he's so much more mature than i am. he doesn't just know how to survive, which is what i'm doing, but he's living his life. he knows what he wants and he works for it. i felt slightly ashamed when he was talking about how he picked up photography and learnt himself. i always say to myself: "sam, it's ok if you don't know how to, no one really taught you", but that's not the way to go. i'm not hungry enough to find the knowledge and learn it and make it mine.

i'm one of those kids, who never knows what she wants to do in the future. i have no special passion and no burning desire to study one particular subject in university. hence law. i do like law, but am i passionate about it? let's be honest, it's kinda hard to be passionate about a legal system. i'm still going to do it in university. i'm that kind of girl who prefers bread more than love. a girl's gotta eat you know.

however, now i know i'm passionate about something too. i want to live. i want to feel alive. photography takes me there. another reason why i love photography is that i like the fact that no photo i take would ever be the same as another. just like my experiences in life. not a single feeling is the same if you think about it. today i'm happy and satisfied. tomorrow i might be satisfied, but not happy. yesterday, i was happy, but not satisfied. i'm constantly changing, just like the photos i take. it's always about balancing everything out.

as i have mentioned in the last post i've written, i have been down and battered. i'm tired. i constantly feel sick of myself. sick of the fact that i can't even protect myself from the pain. when i looked through the viewfinder of my camera and saw the beautiful sea, the thought of just jumping in and terminating all the trouble i'm going through was very very tempting. then my friend said,

"it's hard to grab hold onto so dynamic and it's always easier to just choose something else, but there is a certain attractiveness to this."

i looked at him. in the future, when i'm sixty, i'll look back at this time of my life and i'll smile. i won't laugh, but i'll pat myself on the back for not ending everything right there. it is hard to be remembered and to leave a mark on the earth. it's easier to just end this all right there, but is it the best way? i haven't left my mark yet. i haven't experienced anything. i haven't lived.

it was time to go home and i looked one last time at the beautiful harbour. hong kong is such a beautiful place. not only is it beautiful, it has taught me so much. it's a place of hope and dreams. yesterday i was at the worst position in my whole life. today i'm doing well. tomorrow i'm going conquer the world. metaphorically. i won't go around shooting innocent civilians. pinky promise.

to the person who taught me how to take photos:

life is hard right now for you too. i know. just remember no matter how hard it is, it will pass. also the harder you've gone through, the easier the next obstacle will be. one day, when you're sixty and four months old, you and i will be standing at the same spot on the side of the harbour, talking how life's whizzed by and how memories last. you've taught me so much and inspired me so much. i cannot thank you enough. thank you. thank you for teaching me how to take photos. thank you for cheering me up today and giving me hope. thank you for sharing your darkest secrets with me. thank you for being alive and awesome. i cannot be more grateful to have you in my life. i don't just care about you. i respect you with all my heart.

don't forget how to relax. it's bad for your health to be too uptight. smile a little more. you look nicer with a smile hanging off your face. it takes 33 muscles to frown, but it only takes 13 to smile. you can also use 4 to slap that bitch hard if you want, but violence is not promoted in our society unfortunately. no matter what happens, even if the sky falls down, i would be there for you. just say it and i'll come to you. it's hard right now, but it'll be ok. i promise.

goodbye 3.9

as a lower sixth, i share a room with a fellow roommate (a.k.a. sasha) and tomorrow is the day we bid each other farewell. i'll just show you what my room looked like in two/three days ago when i started packing for home (a.k.a. hong kong).

let me warn you before you scroll down, it is not a pretty sight. you might want to take a rain check or even click that little red cross in the corner. it's not usually this bad. i promise. mom if you're reading this, it's the packing. i'm usually really really clean.

behold. my room / working area

my sleeping area with my beautiful board (that is falling apart)

desk. don't ask. i can't don't use it often

i know right. i'm actually ashamed of my room a while ago. however, my room looks absolutely different now and empty. what gets me is that a whole year has whizzed by and i've only got one year of high school left. quelle horreur. 

it's not the fact that i'm leaving high school that is dreading me. on the contrary it's quite a delightful thought. no more drama and i get to leave this hell hole. it's the thought that i should be starting my university application. yikes.

back to the main point, i have tidied my room and it's as neat as a pin now. or even better. i've never been a clean person but this has changed the way i see myself. maybe i can actually be organised and neat. you don't believe me? see for yourself. 

my now-available workspace

all books gone. packed away in me suitcase ;D

this is so empty its ridiculous

 the only thing left out in my room is my bedding. it'll be gone by tomorrow. it's actually making me sad.

i guess it happens all the time, people coming and going. however when it's happening to me, i just can't help to feel sad. even though i'm happy to be off to summer and home, i'm leaving so many memories behind. thank you everyone, it has been a good year.

the best dorm in the whole school ever in history. 

goodbye 3.9, thank you for all the good memories.

thank you sasha. thank you for making my exam-filled term bearable. thank you for making me feel like i'm normal sometimes. thank you for bearing with me this whole time, even when i've been horrible. thank you just for everything. thank you for being awesome this whole time. thank you for just existing and being in my life. thank you for dancing with me in my pants. without you i won't know how to survive this term on my own. you have made my school year truly bearable and memorable. i love you, my cookie and no one will EVER replace your position in my life.

thank you everyone who has made me feel loved and belonged. i know this is cliché but without everyone, i won't be the same person as i am today. i guess i'm that kind of person who won't think and appreciate until i say or get it out of my system.

this has been a truly extraordinary year. thank you all.

bring it on year 13. i'm gonna kick your ass.