now and then i think of when we were together.

today's the day i'm leaving hong kong. saying goodbye's always hard, but this time even harder. not only am i saying goodbye to my family, but also to a small chunk of my past life.

you know that moment when you know something's coming to an end and you don't want it to? that basically describes my situation right now. time goes on, people change, feelings change too. a person once so important to you has to make way for others to come into your life. no matter how bad you want it to last and stay, it won't. time doesn't wait for anyone. 

that moment when you think you're ready to move on, but you aren't. then you look back and wonder what had gone wrong and what else would've happened. you want to cry, but you're so sad that no tears, nothing, comes out. you're so alone and no one can help you. 

am i upset? yes i am, but i'm glad it happened. one day in my life, i'll look back smiling and think: "thank you for loving me. at least someone loved me so much once."

love is one crazy thing. 

i have a dentist who's over seven feet tall

Now that you have had a chance to look over the photos, in the first one you might not have noticed that the lady has an extra finger on her hand. In the second one we have an extra arm resting on the guys shoulder and in the last one the guy is missing an ear. So what do you think? Was the add successful is demonstrating that food remaining on your teeth will draw more attention away from you than any physical defect?

i like my teeth clean

this shows my exact views on dental health care and hygiene. a nice smile is always more preferable than a dirty one. so i went with the rest of my siblings to our annual dentist appointment. my brother went first, as the guinea pig that he always has been, to get his teeth cleaned and polished. then it was my turn. it hurt quite a bit, as he drilled my gums with a driller to get the dirt out (gross i know, but hey i thought you'd want the details, even the gory ones). 

polishing was no big deal, it was like putting little rocks on your teeth and the dentist literally polished my teeth with them. the highlight of polishing is when you still have rocks in your mouth that you haven't rinsed out. it's like biting sand, but sweet sand. how cool is that?

yeh the process did hurt a bit and blood did gush out (again, gory details), but it was definitely worth it. the dentist said:"sam, you've got such white teeth. maybe if school doesn't work out, you can try being a toothpaste / teeth model!"

i hope school doesn't work out, so i can see my face on billboards and on buses. i'd be able to say and even scream:"i'm that famous teeth model. you see my teeth on buses and on billboards and even taxis!"

my teeth now sparkle under any kind of light. yes.

future's so bright i gotta wear shades.

today was just like any other day. nothing much happened and just as i was having my last check on the internet before bed, i came across this.

520 views?! i only started this blog a month ago and i guess i have made quite a lot of progress. to all those who read my blog, thank you for your support. to those who don't, you can start if you want to. i won't force you. this is just a platform for me to express my rarest and rawest feelings.

however this is quite a large number for a nobody like me, so i'm pretty pleased. thank you all again for all the support!

by the way, even though it's the end of summer soon, i got new shades. whooop. happy sam is happy. very very happy.

rain, rain, go again another day.

my sister has been out of the country for a whole week now and today's the day she's finally coming back. i woke up with a really good mood, thinking: "i can see chloe. yay."

then my mood worsened. it started raining. bummer. in order to show my frustration, i drew this.

this is literally what i've been doing all morning. i might even start my own rain dance club at home to make it stop.

this isn't really the way i want to introduce me (well, my little character). i don't really have a name for her other than lil sam. well she's little and she's me, so i guess either lil me or lil sam would be a perfect and appropriate choice for a name. i don't really have any creativity when it comes to naming things (i named my dog little sister in chinese. it's great)

but yeh. here you go guys. i present to you *drum-roll* lil sam. 

quite a stroll down memory lane.

"i walk down memory lane because i know that i'll run into you there." - unknown

i am a very sentimental being and i always try to avoid looking at old photos. photos are there for a reason: to remind you of the past and to look forward to making new memories. i, as a kid, had always loved taking pictures and being taken. however, as i grew up, i started drifting away from the whole modelling-for-a-camera business and started taking pictures of my own. first it was a white sony cybershot. then it was a white olympus e pl-1. now i am a proud owner of a canon 600d. 

picture quality is getting better and better, but the feeling while taking photos does not necessarily correspond with the quality. the first thing that popped into mind was "hell, why would i wear something like this?", or "wow, i was skinny once", or even "thank god i don't pose like this anymore". then i looked again. yes, the quality of the pictures are incomparable with the ones now, but look at me. look at us. everything is so genuine. going on my first boat trip, going to japan for the first time, feeding my dad's horse for the first time. these are all so nostalgic to me. 

i've always been a lucky girl. my family is on the wealthy side of the spectrum. we're not the wealthiest, but we're ok. travelling has always been on the family summer agenda. japan, usa, canada, hawaii, singapore, cambodia. these places we've all been. that's why i'm getting used to the fact that we travel a lot. don't get me wrong, i still get excited when i go, but nowhere near how excited i once was when i first set foot in the tokyo airport. 

walking down memory lane isn't about finding my childhood crush, or that odd person who always went on the same trip as us (trust me, there were families that went to the same trips with us and we didn't even know them). it's about finding myself. that feeling of adventure and experiencing new things. i love my life now, but sometimes it's always good to just take a moment to recap the past. 

to all that are disillusioned or down for the moment, 

things will work out at the end. you've done great so far and don't let one thing bring you down. i know everyone's got bad moments, but please you can do it as long as you believe you can. it's all worth it at the end of the day. 

this is obviously a posed photo.

i haven't seen my brother in swimming trucks for 3 years. this is greeeaaat.

we just looked so happy.

all i want is the wind in my hair, to face the fear but not feel scared

"me? i'm scared of everything! i'm scared of what i saw. i'm scared of what i did, of who i am. and most of all, i'm scare of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life... the way i feel when i'm with you!" - baby, "dirty dancing"

pretty much sums up my fears

i guess people deal with their fears everyday. i'm not afraid of many things; i'm fearless, but i'll always be scared no matter how old i grow. the worst. definitely knowing you don't matter anymore to someone. that's the worst. oh and bugs. they creepy too.

i can't live for anybody, i gotta live my life for me

sometimes in life, we all lose our aim and goal. it's the same with me right now. just like what tom hansen in "500 days of summer" has said:

bro, i second that. HOWEVER, i don't think living in the past and forgetting about the future is what we should do, so i'm just going to tell you 50 things you probably didn't know about me. just to give you an idea what i am actually like, and to give me a moment just to recap on my life as a whole. things are gonna be fine at the end. it can only be so hard in the process.

1. i have very small hands. my palm is 8 cm long and my whole hand is 16 cm long (middle finger. gotta count the longest finger).
2. i like any kind of green candy. doesn't matter if it's lime, green apple or even grass. if it's green, i'm sold.
3. i have a phobia of breaking my shoes. so if i really like a pair, i would always get a back-up pair.
4. blue is my favourite colour. especially baby blue. always has been and always will be.
5. i don't wear rings, because i lose them. i only have two pinky ones that my brother got me.
6. my phone's always on vibrate, but when it's not, my ringtone's the batman theme song and i sing to it all the time.
7. i've always gone to a girls' school. this explains my inadequacy in socialising with the opposite sex. 
8. i can't cook.
9. i watch way too many cartoons for my own good. it's my guilty pleasure.
10. speaking about guilty pleasures, i've watched footloose and i know all the words to it.
11. i cannot get the hang of replying messages. i just can't cope with all things people want to say to me.
12. when someone fullstops me in a text message, i think they're mad at me.
13. i used to play the piano and the violin. now i play the harp and the guitar. typical asian parents forcing their children into playing an instrument. 
14. i never play my toenails, but i paint my nails every other day.
15. i'm 1/8th thai. 
16. i collect bottle caps and lighters. 
17. i have three tattoos and i'm planning on getting more. not big ones, but tiny, discrete ones.
18. i am agyrophobic. i run when i cross roads.
19. i use anything, and i stress ANYTHING, as a bookmark. sometimes even money. whatever's near man #confessionsofalazyperson
20. eyeshadow doesn't go with my face, but i still keep getting them thinking i would be able to rock it.
21. never will i cut my hair short. never.
22. i put my hair up in a bun when i'm in school.
23. my friends call me samancho.
24. my family calls me fat cat.
25. i am addicted to soup. especially cream of mushroom soup. best invention ever.
26. 9gag is my favourite website in the world. it comes before my blog. 
27. i've got 7 piercings and they're all on my ears.
28. i love spicy food. i love it.
29. teddy bears. enough said.
30. i wish i could deejay.
31. i have a terrible sense of direction. sometimes i don't go home, because i don't know my way.
32. i have never stuck a poster near my bed. my mom doesn't approve of it.
33. i have 7 film cameras. i still want more. #ihaveaproblem
34. all my work has to be in the callibri font and in size 11, or else i get upset.
35. i was born in october. my fave month.
36. i only have one pair of sunnies.
37. i love vans. i love them. i LOOOOOOOOOOVE them.
38. i hate my chinese name. call me by my chinese name and i'll sue you.
39. when i'm in school, i go to school in my pjs. 
40. this is getting tedious. i'm a boring person.
41. i can quote mean girls and she's the man.
42. i loveeee the pink panther. it's so cuteee.
43. someday i'll own a pair of louboutins.
44. i can't walk in heels, but i can run in them. i've got talent.
45. i wear my brother's clothes all the time.
46. i bite my nails when i'm nervous.
47. i like concerts.
48. i'm 5'4''.
49. i want to live by the sea.
50. i don't eat mangoes.

here. 50 random facts about me. until next time, stay safe and wear protection. 

let’s toast cause things got better, and everything could change like that.

i have never lived alone. since a young child, i've stayed in the same room as the sister. then i've decided to leave home to go to boarding school 6074 miles away. i thought i could experience the life of being an individual, but i have never been more wrong. 

in the beginning, i shared a room with three to four girls of the same grade. was it a hardship? yes, it definitely was. crazy teenaged girls constantly high on hormones and over-reacting over everything has  been what i've been dealing with for five years. half a decade. mind you that's a pretty long time. do i hate sharing a room with friends/roommates? yes i do. it creates unnecessary tension and it never ends will. then again, there's always another side to a story and there sure is one to this.

i was tidying up my hard disk today and i came across this. me writing my name for some storage at school. i've been in high school for seven years. SEVEN YEARS. that's almost a decade. i've survived without harming myself immensely. wow this is something. i'm actually proud. just one more year of hell high school then i'll be in university. 

let's just say i have a lot of stuff.

then i came across this. my friend writing my name on a card. why would she do that? i don't know. it's not like i don't know how to write my name. however, i don't mind, because jade is one of those rare ones, who i won't ever doubt what she's doing. just like most girls, she does have her hysterical times and her overly-calm times where i just want to beat some sense into her. however at the end of the day i know i can trust her and she would be there for me. this is the true beauty of boarding school. you meet people who genuinely care for you and they stay in your life forever. 

yep. sam lee.

however, she didn't stop at just writing my name; she continued drawing cars and boobs. i mean you know you're close to someone when they start drawing boobs on everything of yours. EVERYTHING, even my work. it's not even funny anymore. this doesn't make me love her any less though. you might be thinking: "you sound like you're in love with her". well i'm not. it's just i'm at that point where i really appreciate someone being in my life.

i don't have a lot of friends and i have never had much. i've always been that weird kid who lurked in the backgrounds, not wanting to stick out. i was never the queen bee, or the ultimate nerd, or the one who did sports, or the one who did everything for attention. hence the limited number of people in my social life. that's why it means so much to me when someone shows or tells me that i matter. that's my achilles' ankle.

so lord, if you're reading this, thank you. thank you for all the friends you've given me and especially for those who will stay in my life. i'm grateful. eternally grateful.

i'm gonna miss this so much

so apparently i cry in cars. great.

who doesn't like some tits?

she was holdin' a pair, but i had to try

so when you're home with your family, you probably would watch a movie or chat. well this isn't what we do in the lee abode. we gamble. big two, poker, black jack, you name it. however, our favourite has always been mahjong. i've been playing since i was in year two. impressive i know. 

today was another normal (gambling) day in the lee's household. as always, my brother was winning. he doesn't really have the skills, but he has the luck. i mean who needs skills when you have luck? he WAS winning until this.

i won't need to explain how good this combo is to people who play mahjong. to people who don't play mahjong, this is harder than winning the lottery, which is 1 in 13,983,816. i'm not the best in maths, but my godbrother helped me calculate the probability of getting this combo and he said some number with seventeen zeros. that doesn't really mean anything to me. all i know this combo has gotten me 300 HKD or 3000 points.

god, i just love home.

because it's his bad luck to be the best

as a self-confessed movie addict, i tend to drift away from tv shows. it's not like they're not any good. i just assumed tv shows are less thought-through. then i came across hannibal.

from google images. googles just fantastic.

if you've heard of the silence of the lambs series by thomas harries, you would definitely know who hannibal lecture is. hannibal is a clever yet evil cannibalistic psychiatrist who is destined to be the rival of will graham, a special fbi agent. that's the most in depth i can go into without giving away any of the plot and to hide my lack of knowledge on the novels.

i have to say i have not accepted myself to be so hooked on the tv series. bryan fuller has done a fantastic job on portraying all characters with full details in 13 episodes. the details and set created are phenomenal. there's a scene in one of the beginning episodes, where a murderer's daughter comes home to see the word "cannibals" written on her garage door. even though the camera focuses on the daughter, we can see hannibal blurred out in the backgrounds.

let's be honest here though. i still haven't finished the series, as i cannot watch too many episodes a day. compared to the crazy rate i've gone through "fringe" (4 seasons in 3 days, crazy i know), i've spent a whole week watching one season, which is quite slow. i couldn't actually sleep after the first 6 episodes, giving me the hint that maybe i should either slow down or stop watching.

well to conclude, this is a time-worthy series and if you want something thrilling to watch, you know what to watch. just make sure you lock up doors at night to feel safer when you sleep at night.

when will i begin to live again?

one day i'll fly away,

leave all this to yesterday.

what more could your love do for me?

when will love be through with me?

why live life from dream to dream,

and dread the day when dreaming ends?

grandpa, take me back to yesterday, where the line between right and wrong didn't seem so hazy.

do i really want to grow up?

i've always wanted to grow up. growing up just seemed like the right thing to do. however, lately i've been having other thoughts. i don't even know if i'm the same person anymore.

my mother said "sam, do you not like coming home anymore? our views on life and things are just so different". i still like going home, but i cannot deny how much i've changed. the way i dress, the way i talk, the way i act.

anyways, growing up seems so much of a hassle right now. might just stop growing for a bit and just stay young. meeh i don't know.

http://thetangential.com/2011/10/12/things-about-adulthood-that-i-expected-would-be-way-cooler/

an oath to never stop loving movies

everytime i see something related to pixar or dreamworks, it upsets me. it's not that the movies aren't good or that i don't like them. it's because i like them too much. even since i had watched my first pixar movie toy story when i was a very young child, i've been hooked. the movies themselves are incredibly detailed and as a self-confessed movie addict, this is what i want to find in every movie.

my favourite animated movie is either how to train your dragon, up or rise of the guardians. doesn't matter how old i turn, i will still cry every time i watch these movies. no joke. how can you NOT cry when you see hiccup willing of giving up his life for his dragon, or when ellie dies, or when jamie can finally see jack frost? these movies aren't the most realistic of all movies, but they are the ones that touch my heart and remain memorable throughout my life.

little expressions and details. up is the best movie in the world

i've watched these movies so many times i can quote them. just like mean girls and she's the man. however, when you say "i can quote cartoons" out loud, it's not as respected as "i can quote mean girls and she's the man". people look at me like i'm three, but i don't care. sometimes staying innocent is just what i want. seriously i mean who wouldn't want to go to school everyday and still enjoy it? i don't hate school now, but i can't say i love every moment of it.

you might say, if you enjoy it that much, why won't you go work for pixar or something? crazily enough, i actually have thought about doing art, maths, physics and photography to do art in university, which means i would be able to maybe get a job in pixar. however, even though i'm passionate about it, it doesn't mean i'm good at it. art, in fact, is the subject i've done the worst in. also, a girl's gotta eat. therefore i gotta do what a person's gotta do to get money. that's why i've chosen to do law in uni. don't get me wrong. i do like law, but do i like it so much i'd want to spend every moment of the rest of my life doing it? hell no. yikes.

i love art and photography. i adore cinematography. however, it's not practical for me to do it in university. my father's got four kids, and if all his kids did an arts degree then a law conversion, he would die from all the money he would need to pay for our universities. some would say "if you've got a passion, go ahead and do it". i can't. i can't be selfish and just let my dad suffer. i know it won't do a lot, but every little helps when you have four kids who breathe in money.

however, nothing on this world and i stress NOTHING will ever make me stop loving animated movies, or even just movies. even though most people don't notice this, producers and directors put so much effort into these movies, months, sometimes even years, so people who watch these would have a good time. so dear producers, i salute you and i thank you, for making my childhood a better memory.

how can anyone not love this?

when you gonna live you life right?

hong kong. where do i start? let's just list some facts first.

• it's one of the smallest cities in the whole world
• it has an amazing railway service - and i mean it. it's greaaat.
• it's a beautiful place
• it's home

i went out for supper with a great friend today and we caught sight of the amazing skyline. he started teaching me how to properly use a camera. what to do when there's a lot of light. what to do when i don't want a shadow to look that way. i've always loved photography, but this has opened my eyes to a whole new world. photography gives me a fresh new perspective to see the world and i like that. 

i guess when one over-thinks, everything one sees, one can relate to life. that was what i was like when i took all these photos. photography is like life. you'd always want the best out of a photo. i want the light to hit the object in this direction and only on that area. i want that boat out of the way. i want to calm the waves. however what do you know what's the best until you've tried all ways?

"how do you know which shutter speed and what size of the aperture to use?"

"you don't. you just need to try until you get the best photo. you won't really know what is perfect until you've seen the imperfect ones and improve from them."

my friend is only four months older than me, yet he's so much more mature than i am. he doesn't just know how to survive, which is what i'm doing, but he's living his life. he knows what he wants and he works for it. i felt slightly ashamed when he was talking about how he picked up photography and learnt himself. i always say to myself: "sam, it's ok if you don't know how to, no one really taught you", but that's not the way to go. i'm not hungry enough to find the knowledge and learn it and make it mine.

i'm one of those kids, who never knows what she wants to do in the future. i have no special passion and no burning desire to study one particular subject in university. hence law. i do like law, but am i passionate about it? let's be honest, it's kinda hard to be passionate about a legal system. i'm still going to do it in university. i'm that kind of girl who prefers bread more than love. a girl's gotta eat you know.

however, now i know i'm passionate about something too. i want to live. i want to feel alive. photography takes me there. another reason why i love photography is that i like the fact that no photo i take would ever be the same as another. just like my experiences in life. not a single feeling is the same if you think about it. today i'm happy and satisfied. tomorrow i might be satisfied, but not happy. yesterday, i was happy, but not satisfied. i'm constantly changing, just like the photos i take. it's always about balancing everything out.

as i have mentioned in the last post i've written, i have been down and battered. i'm tired. i constantly feel sick of myself. sick of the fact that i can't even protect myself from the pain. when i looked through the viewfinder of my camera and saw the beautiful sea, the thought of just jumping in and terminating all the trouble i'm going through was very very tempting. then my friend said,

"it's hard to grab hold onto so dynamic and it's always easier to just choose something else, but there is a certain attractiveness to this."

i looked at him. in the future, when i'm sixty, i'll look back at this time of my life and i'll smile. i won't laugh, but i'll pat myself on the back for not ending everything right there. it is hard to be remembered and to leave a mark on the earth. it's easier to just end this all right there, but is it the best way? i haven't left my mark yet. i haven't experienced anything. i haven't lived.

it was time to go home and i looked one last time at the beautiful harbour. hong kong is such a beautiful place. not only is it beautiful, it has taught me so much. it's a place of hope and dreams. yesterday i was at the worst position in my whole life. today i'm doing well. tomorrow i'm going conquer the world. metaphorically. i won't go around shooting innocent civilians. pinky promise.

to the person who taught me how to take photos:

life is hard right now for you too. i know. just remember no matter how hard it is, it will pass. also the harder you've gone through, the easier the next obstacle will be. one day, when you're sixty and four months old, you and i will be standing at the same spot on the side of the harbour, talking how life's whizzed by and how memories last. you've taught me so much and inspired me so much. i cannot thank you enough. thank you. thank you for teaching me how to take photos. thank you for cheering me up today and giving me hope. thank you for sharing your darkest secrets with me. thank you for being alive and awesome. i cannot be more grateful to have you in my life. i don't just care about you. i respect you with all my heart.

don't forget how to relax. it's bad for your health to be too uptight. smile a little more. you look nicer with a smile hanging off your face. it takes 33 muscles to frown, but it only takes 13 to smile. you can also use 4 to slap that bitch hard if you want, but violence is not promoted in our society unfortunately. no matter what happens, even if the sky falls down, i would be there for you. just say it and i'll come to you. it's hard right now, but it'll be ok. i promise.

it's all about food

food. where do i start? well let's start with my opinion on food. i've never been picky with food, but when it comes to the food i like, i just can't stop. hence my body size. however, if you'd let me choose, i would always choose to eat (a lot) and then exercise (a little). i mean, you're not here on earth for a long time, so why not enjoy yourself and eat whatever you like? also, i bet guys like girls who are cuddly and chubby, like teddy bears. who would rather going home to a stick than to a polar bear? well, i'm the polar bear. i know this is an excuse for myself to ignore the fact that i'm gaining some pounds, but i'm happy.

so what is your favourite food? my brother's fave is definitely chocolate. i have never seen anyone gobble up chocolate as quickly as my brother. he's practically the chocolate black hole. well for me it's cupcakes, especially cookies and cream ones. *drooling* i can eat it anytime, anywhere, with anyone, in any way. i'm not exaggerating. i'm usually a savoury person, and i do appreciate it when people give me food. however, if you want to win me over, my heart and soul, it's cupcakes. 

so me and my friend / wife, jade, hung out the other day and we found a cupcakery in tsim sha tsui. surprise surprise i had to sit down for some. i got a cookie monster, while jade got a pepperminty-chocolate one. even just thinking about devouring that cupcake is making my mouth water. if i could marry cupcakes, i would. i mean why not? that means if i eat my spouse, i'll be able to marry more. there would never be a day when i've had enough of cupcakes. 

perfection on a plate

my usual creepy friend posing with cupcakes

today is my first day of work and i didn't want to be late, so i've decided to leave home earlier. i wouldn't say i arrived too much earlier than the time i should've. i was only one whole hour early, and as per usual, being the dumbo that i am, i didn't bring any sort of entertainment with me. a whole hour, sixty minutes, three thousand six hundred seconds. thinking "well maybe i'm a little hungry, i should get some breakfast", i strolled into starbucks and ordered myself a small hot chocolate.

"miss, what's your name?"

"sam. my name is sam."

then i proceeded to sit down at the nearest table. around ten minutes later, one of the barristas called out "a small hot chocolate". i looked around, thinking "hmm, someone has good taste", but no one came forward for it. so i got up and looked at it. miss tam. not me. i sat down. sam, tam. sounds kinda similar, doesn't it? then i realised: maybe i'm the miss tam. people don't usually call me sam, even though i insist on people calling me that. sammy, sammie, samcho, samancho, sam lee. but never sam. i guess also i'm in hong kong and people are not used to girls having guy names. thank you starbucks, for changing my surname. it sure made my day.

i'm loving my new surname. sam tam. awesome.

after losing self-control not constraining myself from any of my comfort food, i met up with another friend, janice, for supper.

"sam, i'm gaining weight"

"don't be silly, you're not. you're as skinny as a stick."

"i have a boat party in october and i wanna look good."

damn. looking at my friend who is about half my size, all i really wanted to do at that time was just to hide in a corner with a tub of ice cream and to never see the light of day again. i'm turning eighteen in october and damn, i want to look good too. "let's eat salad" i suggested, feeling super-duper guilty about all the food i had in the past week. maybe it's time for me to shed some weight. don't get me wrong, i feel happy eating; but i think it's about time i faced the truth. it's about time i should lose some weight and control my appetite.

so we went to this cool place for salad. it's nice there and i loved the salad i had. maybe it's not that bad dieting and living a healthier lifestyle. i know i said earlier that i think guys like chubby and cute-looking girls, but really who am i kidding? before they want you fat to scare other guys off, they'd want you as hot as a victoria secret model, which i'm nowhere near. so i guess the way to go right now is to eat super healthy. super healthy doesn't mean yucky food. it means food with less oil, sugar, salt and all kinds of harmful substances. i've just got to learn to embrace it.

my healthy chicken-roasted-garlic-onions salad. it's actually pretty amazing

but this doesn't mean i'm giving up on cupcakes. i will NEVER give up cupcakes. ever.

a little rant before bed

technology has improved immensely in the past few decades and so many people are to be thanked because of that. however who is the smart person who thought the idea of putting "last seen", "read at" and "last online" in messages? that person i'd like to thank your face with my fist. 

first of all, as a frequent message sender, i know the fear of people not replying and not seeing my message. back in those days when we didn't have anything but just plain messages, i could always assume the receiver has not read it. however nowadays i can't assume, because i would be able to check whether the person has read or has been online and is just deliberately ignoring me or not. i'm not going to lie, but it hurts when i know you're just not replying to me. 

second, i might be just as selfish and not want to read my messages. doesn't everyone want a day or two sometimes just to be alone and shut the world out? now that the genius has added this function in, i can't not reply to a person, because i've been online. sometimes in order to not be a bitch, i just don't reply to anyone. socializing is very tiring and i really do need a break from people sometimes you know. 

this is really starting to bother me, but then again everything is. i can't blame it on the people, because they're my friends and i do love them to bits. it's just sometimes i prefer the olden days, when everything was handwritten and just more precious. i miss getting letters from people and i like nice handwriting. it's always an awesome bonus when you open a card and see the person writing put effort into it. 

or it might just be the heat and the humidity. or even fatigue. anyways, rant over, so goodnight world. peace out. 

why, sometimes i believe six impossible things before breakfast

one of the biggest problems i need to deal with after i've come home is definitely jet lag. for you those who don't really know what jet lag is, it messes you over and makes you hungry at the wrong timings. not good. jet lag usually lasts for around 1 week for me. quelle horreur, je sais. so for a whole week, i sleep at 3 in the morning and wake up at 10. this doesn't sound that bad, but when everyone else in the family wakes up at 7 and sleeps at 11 at night, it's a problem.

so this morning, when i was still in the state between having consciousness and just down right dead, i felt my phone vibrate. i looked at it. it's my brother.

"sam, me and chloe are having breakfast at oliver's super sandwiches, do you want something?"

"ermm, what's there in the shop for breakfast?"

"i'll send you the menu and you can decide, yeh?"

so then my brother sent me a whole 5-paged breakfast menu. i chose the one i wanted and started messing about. around twenty minutes later, the doorbell rang and in came my brother, with a plastic bag in his hand. 

"you didn't tell me what you wanted to drink, so i decided you might enjoy a chocolate"

i know it's just a breakfast and it's not usually a big thing. however when everything else goes against your plan and someone shows them they care, it's impossible to not feel grateful. i know most of the time sometimes siblings can be a pain in the ass, they do care and they are the ones you can rely on. 

a way to a man's heart is through his stomach. i guess it's just the same with women. it's always good to start the day with a good breakfast, because it gives you the energy. arnold schwarzenegger once said: "my body is like breakfast, lunch and dinner. i don't think about, i just have it." you are what you eat, so go ahead and get something nice for breakfast. it'll do you wonders.

the chocolate my brother has decided i might enjoy. i couldn't finish the whole thing but it was nice

that looks so yummy. i won't mind eating another.

keep calm and relax my ass off

summer has officially started for me and so i packed my bags/suitcases and hopped onto a plane to hong kong, which is home. even though i am sad about leaving school and my friends behind, it's just great going back home and spending time with my family. so when i saw my mom and co. at the airport, i was over the moon. 

the heat in hong kong is almost unbearable, so i had chosen to go straight back home right after my flight journey to just shower and sort out my life basically. the air-conditioning is on and it felt like heaven in the flat. then this grabbed my attention.

my poor sofa. apparently the new ones on its way. thank god.

someone has broken the sofa. after a long period of interrogation, i found out that my brother and my god-brother are the culprits. boys boys boys. apparently my brother was on the sofa, watching tv, while my god-brother decided it was a good idea to just sit on my brother. well i think not.

as you can see in the next picture, i have successfully marked my territory at home with my laptop and other random bits of items i own. i mean there are four kids at home, so if i don't move fast, i won't get anywhere to just sit down and chill on my laptop. this does in fact feel a little like a dog peeing over land to show the others who's boss. in my household, i am.

i'm proud to announce sam is the winner of the pissing contest.

 my brother's favourite spot in the whole flat for sure. there's actually a reason why it is though. if you look straight, you see the ginormous tv with all kinds of game consoles and machines and whatnots. if you look right, you see the view of the balcony and sometimes a little strip of sunset. if you look left, you look directly into the kitchen / the food prepared. the science of choosing where to sit.

i then ventured into my room next. in order to make it more homey, i've lit a candle and it's still sitting quietly in a corner burning away. it smells like lemon tarts. i mean why not? even though it's meant to be a christmas scent, it's my (and my sister's) room, so i'm just going to do whatever i want unless momma lee gets involved (she never plays fair).

ain't this cute? my little baby fisheye-lomography-colourful-cutsy film camera that hangs off my keys. might have to get if off my keys though. last time when i had them on, i couldn't open the doors, because my hands were too small to handle that bundle in my hand. did i mention i have a teddy bear about the size of a tennis ball hanging off my keys? haha maybe not.

my little fish eye <3 it actually takes picture.

this is the intellectual corner. just looking at it makes me feel smart. sadly my sister has contributed into this little pile. right now i need to get on and just read as much as i can. next book on the reading list: paradise lost - john milton.

as you can see, there's quite a lot for me to go through. but hell, i've got a whole summer.

i have decided to add a photo of me dressing up as a bride when i was a child. my mom has always wanted me to get married and to have a family of my own. do i want that? hell i don't know, i'm only seventeen and i refuse to make life-changing decisions (other than university choices). but yeh, here is a photo of me fancy-dressing. i was very very cute.

looooook at those chubby chubby cheeks. god i was adorable

home slippers. may i just add, these are the smallest pair i can find in the whole flat and now they're mine. my preeeecious. it's not like anyone's got big feet in the family. my mom and my sister are a size 36. i'm a 37. my dad's a 38. my brother's a 41. my god-brother's a 43. but look at these, i swear they're like a size 50 or whatsoever. doesn't mean i don't love them though. they're just so comfy.

white and oversized slippers. gotta love anything oversized <3

although coming home is a wonderful thing, something always happens against our wills and we humans, who have no control over matters like these, call it misfortunes. however in my case, it's worse and more serious than just misfortune. one of my four dogs is in hospital and in critical conditions. she has a malfunctioning liver and i don't even know if she is actually alright or not right now. to those who don't have any pets, pets are just like family, and i really don't know what to do without any single one of mine.

bebe, if you can hear me, don't worry about anything. i'm home now and i'll come see you tomorrow. be strong my baby girl. i promise it won't be as hard as the last time you were in hospital. you can show them who's the boss and come home healthy. it's just another obstacle and you'll be fine. i'll get a cake and we can celebrate when you're out. i love you and stay strong girl. come home soon, we all miss you.

my baby girl when she was healthy. you'll do great. i have faith in you.

summer's begun and i'm planning to just enjoy myself. it's not like i'm always home. also it's the last summer before i turn eighteen / legal. whooop can't wait. so right now i'm going to relax and just let everything run its course. summer here i come.

goodbye 3.9

as a lower sixth, i share a room with a fellow roommate (a.k.a. sasha) and tomorrow is the day we bid each other farewell. i'll just show you what my room looked like in two/three days ago when i started packing for home (a.k.a. hong kong).

let me warn you before you scroll down, it is not a pretty sight. you might want to take a rain check or even click that little red cross in the corner. it's not usually this bad. i promise. mom if you're reading this, it's the packing. i'm usually really really clean.

behold. my room / working area

my sleeping area with my beautiful board (that is falling apart)

desk. don't ask. i can't don't use it often

i know right. i'm actually ashamed of my room a while ago. however, my room looks absolutely different now and empty. what gets me is that a whole year has whizzed by and i've only got one year of high school left. quelle horreur. 

it's not the fact that i'm leaving high school that is dreading me. on the contrary it's quite a delightful thought. no more drama and i get to leave this hell hole. it's the thought that i should be starting my university application. yikes.

back to the main point, i have tidied my room and it's as neat as a pin now. or even better. i've never been a clean person but this has changed the way i see myself. maybe i can actually be organised and neat. you don't believe me? see for yourself. 

my now-available workspace

all books gone. packed away in me suitcase ;D

this is so empty its ridiculous

 the only thing left out in my room is my bedding. it'll be gone by tomorrow. it's actually making me sad.

i guess it happens all the time, people coming and going. however when it's happening to me, i just can't help to feel sad. even though i'm happy to be off to summer and home, i'm leaving so many memories behind. thank you everyone, it has been a good year.

the best dorm in the whole school ever in history. 

goodbye 3.9, thank you for all the good memories.

thank you sasha. thank you for making my exam-filled term bearable. thank you for making me feel like i'm normal sometimes. thank you for bearing with me this whole time, even when i've been horrible. thank you just for everything. thank you for being awesome this whole time. thank you for just existing and being in my life. thank you for dancing with me in my pants. without you i won't know how to survive this term on my own. you have made my school year truly bearable and memorable. i love you, my cookie and no one will EVER replace your position in my life.

thank you everyone who has made me feel loved and belonged. i know this is cliché but without everyone, i won't be the same person as i am today. i guess i'm that kind of person who won't think and appreciate until i say or get it out of my system.

this has been a truly extraordinary year. thank you all.

bring it on year 13. i'm gonna kick your ass.