when you're needing your space to do some navigating

so life's been really hectic recently. i don't even have the time to just slow down and breathe. that's why i've decided to take a turn out of school and chill with a friend.

you know when you're not sure if things are what you think they are anymore. i'm at that point in my life. what i've believed in since i was a kid. 

i'm not going to lie. i envy, no, i'm jealous of people with amazing lives, who don't need to work hard for it and get what they want. can't i just get that one thing i want once in a while? i'm not greedy. i only two things to happen, but so far, nada. rien. nothing. zlich.

well i guess things are going to work out at the end right? i mean i don't think things can get any worse than this. well i hope anyways. so i guess i'll just have to plough on. good luck to me and good luck to you too. i want and need this bad, but i'm sure you're probably in the same situation as me. just as hopeless and desperate.

thing is, i think this is what makes us human you know. imperfections and whatnot. or else we'd just be another species of animal, not the dominating species walking and roaming the earth right? 

sometimes i just like looking and seeing without any glasses or contacts. makes the feeling more authentic and it takes you one step back. it's hard and it's tiring always seeing so clearly. don't forget the bigger picture. everything blends into one soft picturesque scene. 

good luck.

tree jeans though :D

dancing with my moonlit shadow.

so before i go on with the post, it's always helpful to just remind you of the fact that i am chinese; and what that means is that we have a lot of festivals. i mean A LOT. we have dragon boat festival, children's festival, and all that jazz. however one of my favourite would always be mid-autumn festival.

so because i don't really know how to explain to you what moon-cakes are and what is the mid-autumn festival, click me. basically, mid-autumn festival is a festival that happens every year in mid-autumn, if you haven't had guessed, when the moon is the roundest. moon-cakes are just the food we eat on this celebration.

one of the most fundamental things about mid-autumn festival is people usually spend it with their families. it's great because when i was in school in hong kong, we used to get let out of school early and we would have the next day off. sweet isn't it? however, the main point of the whole dinner and playtime with family, is just to remind you how important family is to you.

yesterday my sister took me out to dinner, because obviously she's the dearest and only family in the uk. besides who wouldn't want to spend mid-autumn festival with an annoying younger sister? i'm not going to lie. i've lived with my sister my whole life and this is the only year we've been apart, because now she's in university and i'm really really missing her.

"mom got you moon-cakes. here, take them."

when i was a kid i never liked moon-cake, but after i've left home to study in bristol, my views have definitely changed. don't get me wrong, i still don't really like the taste of it. it's just so sickly and sweet, but it means that someone in your family is missing you and would send or bring you some moon-cakes.

so today i was busy battling through my work and i came across this in my drawer. the peninsula moon-cakes. they're the best. they're so good i don't actually mind them. yeh they're that good. to me, they're not just little pastries that we get in festivals, but the love and care my dad and mom have given to me.

you would probably think, how does it show papa and mama's love? well it does.

1. they gave the best to me - it's not just moon-cakes, but everything. they're so used to it, they just voluntarily give the best to me without a second thought
2. they remember me - this sounds ridiculous, but when you know someone's missing you somewhere, it's just great you know. feels like everything is worth it and it would all be fine.

you might still think i'm exaggerating, but no i am not. you can think what you're thinking. it doesn't change how much i love my parents.

they just taste so good. the peninsula ones. i don't even know what's in them. *checks label* there is wheat flour, sugar, butter, eggs, salted duck egg yolks, custard powder, colour, milk powder, coconut milk, condesed milk, malt sugar, corn starch, tapioca starch, salt, honey. wow that's quite a mouthful and very very fattening. i guess i'll need to start running laps again, but hey they're worth it.

the moment i finished that little piece of delight, my friend came in, with one spoon in her right hand and a half-cut moon-cake in the other.

"it's mid-autumn festival. want some moon-cake?"

yes was obviously the answer. i know i said i don't like moon-cakes, but when you're on a role, you just want to continue. just like watching tv and playing videos games. you just can't stop. well also, my friend bothered to remember that i'm, in fact, chinese like her and that i miss home too. really it's the thought that counts the most.

here's my friend with a moon-cake and a spoon. and her garfield pjs. haha

when i was in school in hong kong, i learnt this chinese song / poem, which the poet, su shi wrote in the memory of his brother during mid-autumn festival.

水調歌頭 蘇軾
明月幾時有，把酒問青天？
不知天上宮闕，今夕是何年。


我欲乘風歸去，唯恐瓊樓玉宇，高處不勝寒。
起舞弄清影，何似在人間。

轉朱閣，低綺戶。照無眠。
不應有恨，何事長向別時圓？
人有悲歡離合，月有陰晴圓缺，此事古難全。

i know it sucks for you non-chinese readers, so i wikipedia-ed found the english translation of it. also, just let me attach a song with this poem as its lyrics. if you want to listen to this song, CLICK ME.

thinking of you - su shi
when will the moon be clear and bright?
with a cup of wine in my hand, i ask the blue sky.
in the heavens on this night,
i wonder what season it would be?

i'd like to ride the wind to fly home.
yet i fear the crystal and jade mansions
are much too high and cold for me.
dancing with my moonlit shadow,
it does not seem like the human world.

the moon rounds the red mansion,
stoops to silk-pad doors,
shines upon the sleepless,
bearing no grudge,
why does the moon tend to be full when people are apart?

people have sorrow or joy, be near or far apart,
the moon may be dim or bright; round or crescent shaped,
this imperfection has been going on since the beginning of time.
may we all be blessed with longevity,
though thousand miles apart, we are still able to share the beauty of the moon together.

happy mid-autumn festival you all.

quite a stroll down memory lane.

"i walk down memory lane because i know that i'll run into you there." - unknown

i am a very sentimental being and i always try to avoid looking at old photos. photos are there for a reason: to remind you of the past and to look forward to making new memories. i, as a kid, had always loved taking pictures and being taken. however, as i grew up, i started drifting away from the whole modelling-for-a-camera business and started taking pictures of my own. first it was a white sony cybershot. then it was a white olympus e pl-1. now i am a proud owner of a canon 600d. 

picture quality is getting better and better, but the feeling while taking photos does not necessarily correspond with the quality. the first thing that popped into mind was "hell, why would i wear something like this?", or "wow, i was skinny once", or even "thank god i don't pose like this anymore". then i looked again. yes, the quality of the pictures are incomparable with the ones now, but look at me. look at us. everything is so genuine. going on my first boat trip, going to japan for the first time, feeding my dad's horse for the first time. these are all so nostalgic to me. 

i've always been a lucky girl. my family is on the wealthy side of the spectrum. we're not the wealthiest, but we're ok. travelling has always been on the family summer agenda. japan, usa, canada, hawaii, singapore, cambodia. these places we've all been. that's why i'm getting used to the fact that we travel a lot. don't get me wrong, i still get excited when i go, but nowhere near how excited i once was when i first set foot in the tokyo airport. 

walking down memory lane isn't about finding my childhood crush, or that odd person who always went on the same trip as us (trust me, there were families that went to the same trips with us and we didn't even know them). it's about finding myself. that feeling of adventure and experiencing new things. i love my life now, but sometimes it's always good to just take a moment to recap the past. 

to all that are disillusioned or down for the moment, 

things will work out at the end. you've done great so far and don't let one thing bring you down. i know everyone's got bad moments, but please you can do it as long as you believe you can. it's all worth it at the end of the day. 

this is obviously a posed photo.

i haven't seen my brother in swimming trucks for 3 years. this is greeeaaat.

we just looked so happy.

let’s toast cause things got better, and everything could change like that.

i have never lived alone. since a young child, i've stayed in the same room as the sister. then i've decided to leave home to go to boarding school 6074 miles away. i thought i could experience the life of being an individual, but i have never been more wrong. 

in the beginning, i shared a room with three to four girls of the same grade. was it a hardship? yes, it definitely was. crazy teenaged girls constantly high on hormones and over-reacting over everything has  been what i've been dealing with for five years. half a decade. mind you that's a pretty long time. do i hate sharing a room with friends/roommates? yes i do. it creates unnecessary tension and it never ends will. then again, there's always another side to a story and there sure is one to this.

i was tidying up my hard disk today and i came across this. me writing my name for some storage at school. i've been in high school for seven years. SEVEN YEARS. that's almost a decade. i've survived without harming myself immensely. wow this is something. i'm actually proud. just one more year of hell high school then i'll be in university. 

let's just say i have a lot of stuff.

then i came across this. my friend writing my name on a card. why would she do that? i don't know. it's not like i don't know how to write my name. however, i don't mind, because jade is one of those rare ones, who i won't ever doubt what she's doing. just like most girls, she does have her hysterical times and her overly-calm times where i just want to beat some sense into her. however at the end of the day i know i can trust her and she would be there for me. this is the true beauty of boarding school. you meet people who genuinely care for you and they stay in your life forever. 

yep. sam lee.

however, she didn't stop at just writing my name; she continued drawing cars and boobs. i mean you know you're close to someone when they start drawing boobs on everything of yours. EVERYTHING, even my work. it's not even funny anymore. this doesn't make me love her any less though. you might be thinking: "you sound like you're in love with her". well i'm not. it's just i'm at that point where i really appreciate someone being in my life.

i don't have a lot of friends and i have never had much. i've always been that weird kid who lurked in the backgrounds, not wanting to stick out. i was never the queen bee, or the ultimate nerd, or the one who did sports, or the one who did everything for attention. hence the limited number of people in my social life. that's why it means so much to me when someone shows or tells me that i matter. that's my achilles' ankle.

so lord, if you're reading this, thank you. thank you for all the friends you've given me and especially for those who will stay in my life. i'm grateful. eternally grateful.

i'm gonna miss this so much

so apparently i cry in cars. great.

who doesn't like some tits?

when you gonna live you life right?

hong kong. where do i start? let's just list some facts first.

• it's one of the smallest cities in the whole world
• it has an amazing railway service - and i mean it. it's greaaat.
• it's a beautiful place
• it's home

i went out for supper with a great friend today and we caught sight of the amazing skyline. he started teaching me how to properly use a camera. what to do when there's a lot of light. what to do when i don't want a shadow to look that way. i've always loved photography, but this has opened my eyes to a whole new world. photography gives me a fresh new perspective to see the world and i like that. 

i guess when one over-thinks, everything one sees, one can relate to life. that was what i was like when i took all these photos. photography is like life. you'd always want the best out of a photo. i want the light to hit the object in this direction and only on that area. i want that boat out of the way. i want to calm the waves. however what do you know what's the best until you've tried all ways?

"how do you know which shutter speed and what size of the aperture to use?"

"you don't. you just need to try until you get the best photo. you won't really know what is perfect until you've seen the imperfect ones and improve from them."

my friend is only four months older than me, yet he's so much more mature than i am. he doesn't just know how to survive, which is what i'm doing, but he's living his life. he knows what he wants and he works for it. i felt slightly ashamed when he was talking about how he picked up photography and learnt himself. i always say to myself: "sam, it's ok if you don't know how to, no one really taught you", but that's not the way to go. i'm not hungry enough to find the knowledge and learn it and make it mine.

i'm one of those kids, who never knows what she wants to do in the future. i have no special passion and no burning desire to study one particular subject in university. hence law. i do like law, but am i passionate about it? let's be honest, it's kinda hard to be passionate about a legal system. i'm still going to do it in university. i'm that kind of girl who prefers bread more than love. a girl's gotta eat you know.

however, now i know i'm passionate about something too. i want to live. i want to feel alive. photography takes me there. another reason why i love photography is that i like the fact that no photo i take would ever be the same as another. just like my experiences in life. not a single feeling is the same if you think about it. today i'm happy and satisfied. tomorrow i might be satisfied, but not happy. yesterday, i was happy, but not satisfied. i'm constantly changing, just like the photos i take. it's always about balancing everything out.

as i have mentioned in the last post i've written, i have been down and battered. i'm tired. i constantly feel sick of myself. sick of the fact that i can't even protect myself from the pain. when i looked through the viewfinder of my camera and saw the beautiful sea, the thought of just jumping in and terminating all the trouble i'm going through was very very tempting. then my friend said,

"it's hard to grab hold onto so dynamic and it's always easier to just choose something else, but there is a certain attractiveness to this."

i looked at him. in the future, when i'm sixty, i'll look back at this time of my life and i'll smile. i won't laugh, but i'll pat myself on the back for not ending everything right there. it is hard to be remembered and to leave a mark on the earth. it's easier to just end this all right there, but is it the best way? i haven't left my mark yet. i haven't experienced anything. i haven't lived.

it was time to go home and i looked one last time at the beautiful harbour. hong kong is such a beautiful place. not only is it beautiful, it has taught me so much. it's a place of hope and dreams. yesterday i was at the worst position in my whole life. today i'm doing well. tomorrow i'm going conquer the world. metaphorically. i won't go around shooting innocent civilians. pinky promise.

to the person who taught me how to take photos:

life is hard right now for you too. i know. just remember no matter how hard it is, it will pass. also the harder you've gone through, the easier the next obstacle will be. one day, when you're sixty and four months old, you and i will be standing at the same spot on the side of the harbour, talking how life's whizzed by and how memories last. you've taught me so much and inspired me so much. i cannot thank you enough. thank you. thank you for teaching me how to take photos. thank you for cheering me up today and giving me hope. thank you for sharing your darkest secrets with me. thank you for being alive and awesome. i cannot be more grateful to have you in my life. i don't just care about you. i respect you with all my heart.

don't forget how to relax. it's bad for your health to be too uptight. smile a little more. you look nicer with a smile hanging off your face. it takes 33 muscles to frown, but it only takes 13 to smile. you can also use 4 to slap that bitch hard if you want, but violence is not promoted in our society unfortunately. no matter what happens, even if the sky falls down, i would be there for you. just say it and i'll come to you. it's hard right now, but it'll be ok. i promise.

it's all about food

food. where do i start? well let's start with my opinion on food. i've never been picky with food, but when it comes to the food i like, i just can't stop. hence my body size. however, if you'd let me choose, i would always choose to eat (a lot) and then exercise (a little). i mean, you're not here on earth for a long time, so why not enjoy yourself and eat whatever you like? also, i bet guys like girls who are cuddly and chubby, like teddy bears. who would rather going home to a stick than to a polar bear? well, i'm the polar bear. i know this is an excuse for myself to ignore the fact that i'm gaining some pounds, but i'm happy.

so what is your favourite food? my brother's fave is definitely chocolate. i have never seen anyone gobble up chocolate as quickly as my brother. he's practically the chocolate black hole. well for me it's cupcakes, especially cookies and cream ones. *drooling* i can eat it anytime, anywhere, with anyone, in any way. i'm not exaggerating. i'm usually a savoury person, and i do appreciate it when people give me food. however, if you want to win me over, my heart and soul, it's cupcakes. 

so me and my friend / wife, jade, hung out the other day and we found a cupcakery in tsim sha tsui. surprise surprise i had to sit down for some. i got a cookie monster, while jade got a pepperminty-chocolate one. even just thinking about devouring that cupcake is making my mouth water. if i could marry cupcakes, i would. i mean why not? that means if i eat my spouse, i'll be able to marry more. there would never be a day when i've had enough of cupcakes. 

perfection on a plate

my usual creepy friend posing with cupcakes

today is my first day of work and i didn't want to be late, so i've decided to leave home earlier. i wouldn't say i arrived too much earlier than the time i should've. i was only one whole hour early, and as per usual, being the dumbo that i am, i didn't bring any sort of entertainment with me. a whole hour, sixty minutes, three thousand six hundred seconds. thinking "well maybe i'm a little hungry, i should get some breakfast", i strolled into starbucks and ordered myself a small hot chocolate.

"miss, what's your name?"

"sam. my name is sam."

then i proceeded to sit down at the nearest table. around ten minutes later, one of the barristas called out "a small hot chocolate". i looked around, thinking "hmm, someone has good taste", but no one came forward for it. so i got up and looked at it. miss tam. not me. i sat down. sam, tam. sounds kinda similar, doesn't it? then i realised: maybe i'm the miss tam. people don't usually call me sam, even though i insist on people calling me that. sammy, sammie, samcho, samancho, sam lee. but never sam. i guess also i'm in hong kong and people are not used to girls having guy names. thank you starbucks, for changing my surname. it sure made my day.

i'm loving my new surname. sam tam. awesome.

after losing self-control not constraining myself from any of my comfort food, i met up with another friend, janice, for supper.

"sam, i'm gaining weight"

"don't be silly, you're not. you're as skinny as a stick."

"i have a boat party in october and i wanna look good."

damn. looking at my friend who is about half my size, all i really wanted to do at that time was just to hide in a corner with a tub of ice cream and to never see the light of day again. i'm turning eighteen in october and damn, i want to look good too. "let's eat salad" i suggested, feeling super-duper guilty about all the food i had in the past week. maybe it's time for me to shed some weight. don't get me wrong, i feel happy eating; but i think it's about time i faced the truth. it's about time i should lose some weight and control my appetite.

so we went to this cool place for salad. it's nice there and i loved the salad i had. maybe it's not that bad dieting and living a healthier lifestyle. i know i said earlier that i think guys like chubby and cute-looking girls, but really who am i kidding? before they want you fat to scare other guys off, they'd want you as hot as a victoria secret model, which i'm nowhere near. so i guess the way to go right now is to eat super healthy. super healthy doesn't mean yucky food. it means food with less oil, sugar, salt and all kinds of harmful substances. i've just got to learn to embrace it.

my healthy chicken-roasted-garlic-onions salad. it's actually pretty amazing

but this doesn't mean i'm giving up on cupcakes. i will NEVER give up cupcakes. ever.

a little rant before bed

technology has improved immensely in the past few decades and so many people are to be thanked because of that. however who is the smart person who thought the idea of putting "last seen", "read at" and "last online" in messages? that person i'd like to thank your face with my fist. 

first of all, as a frequent message sender, i know the fear of people not replying and not seeing my message. back in those days when we didn't have anything but just plain messages, i could always assume the receiver has not read it. however nowadays i can't assume, because i would be able to check whether the person has read or has been online and is just deliberately ignoring me or not. i'm not going to lie, but it hurts when i know you're just not replying to me. 

second, i might be just as selfish and not want to read my messages. doesn't everyone want a day or two sometimes just to be alone and shut the world out? now that the genius has added this function in, i can't not reply to a person, because i've been online. sometimes in order to not be a bitch, i just don't reply to anyone. socializing is very tiring and i really do need a break from people sometimes you know. 

this is really starting to bother me, but then again everything is. i can't blame it on the people, because they're my friends and i do love them to bits. it's just sometimes i prefer the olden days, when everything was handwritten and just more precious. i miss getting letters from people and i like nice handwriting. it's always an awesome bonus when you open a card and see the person writing put effort into it. 

or it might just be the heat and the humidity. or even fatigue. anyways, rant over, so goodnight world. peace out.