when you're needing your space to do some navigating

so life's been really hectic recently. i don't even have the time to just slow down and breathe. that's why i've decided to take a turn out of school and chill with a friend.

you know when you're not sure if things are what you think they are anymore. i'm at that point in my life. what i've believed in since i was a kid. 

i'm not going to lie. i envy, no, i'm jealous of people with amazing lives, who don't need to work hard for it and get what they want. can't i just get that one thing i want once in a while? i'm not greedy. i only two things to happen, but so far, nada. rien. nothing. zlich.

well i guess things are going to work out at the end right? i mean i don't think things can get any worse than this. well i hope anyways. so i guess i'll just have to plough on. good luck to me and good luck to you too. i want and need this bad, but i'm sure you're probably in the same situation as me. just as hopeless and desperate.

thing is, i think this is what makes us human you know. imperfections and whatnot. or else we'd just be another species of animal, not the dominating species walking and roaming the earth right? 

sometimes i just like looking and seeing without any glasses or contacts. makes the feeling more authentic and it takes you one step back. it's hard and it's tiring always seeing so clearly. don't forget the bigger picture. everything blends into one soft picturesque scene. 

good luck.

tree jeans though :D

the way you're holding on to me makes me feel like i can't breathe. just let me go, just let me go.

the heart can only take so much. sometimes i wish i can shut my feelings off and not ever feel again. 

moving on is hard, but seeing someone move on before you is even harder. it feels like something's weighing you down on the insides. you won't have the energy to do anything. to continue on with your life. to live. 

you act like everything's fine, but you know it isn't and there's nothing you can do about it. you cry yourself to sleep at night and wish for a better day, but it never comes. 

the heart can only take so much. i think i'm at my limit. 

dancing with my moonlit shadow.

so before i go on with the post, it's always helpful to just remind you of the fact that i am chinese; and what that means is that we have a lot of festivals. i mean A LOT. we have dragon boat festival, children's festival, and all that jazz. however one of my favourite would always be mid-autumn festival.

so because i don't really know how to explain to you what moon-cakes are and what is the mid-autumn festival, click me. basically, mid-autumn festival is a festival that happens every year in mid-autumn, if you haven't had guessed, when the moon is the roundest. moon-cakes are just the food we eat on this celebration.

one of the most fundamental things about mid-autumn festival is people usually spend it with their families. it's great because when i was in school in hong kong, we used to get let out of school early and we would have the next day off. sweet isn't it? however, the main point of the whole dinner and playtime with family, is just to remind you how important family is to you.

yesterday my sister took me out to dinner, because obviously she's the dearest and only family in the uk. besides who wouldn't want to spend mid-autumn festival with an annoying younger sister? i'm not going to lie. i've lived with my sister my whole life and this is the only year we've been apart, because now she's in university and i'm really really missing her.

"mom got you moon-cakes. here, take them."

when i was a kid i never liked moon-cake, but after i've left home to study in bristol, my views have definitely changed. don't get me wrong, i still don't really like the taste of it. it's just so sickly and sweet, but it means that someone in your family is missing you and would send or bring you some moon-cakes.

so today i was busy battling through my work and i came across this in my drawer. the peninsula moon-cakes. they're the best. they're so good i don't actually mind them. yeh they're that good. to me, they're not just little pastries that we get in festivals, but the love and care my dad and mom have given to me.

you would probably think, how does it show papa and mama's love? well it does.

1. they gave the best to me - it's not just moon-cakes, but everything. they're so used to it, they just voluntarily give the best to me without a second thought
2. they remember me - this sounds ridiculous, but when you know someone's missing you somewhere, it's just great you know. feels like everything is worth it and it would all be fine.

you might still think i'm exaggerating, but no i am not. you can think what you're thinking. it doesn't change how much i love my parents.

they just taste so good. the peninsula ones. i don't even know what's in them. *checks label* there is wheat flour, sugar, butter, eggs, salted duck egg yolks, custard powder, colour, milk powder, coconut milk, condesed milk, malt sugar, corn starch, tapioca starch, salt, honey. wow that's quite a mouthful and very very fattening. i guess i'll need to start running laps again, but hey they're worth it.

the moment i finished that little piece of delight, my friend came in, with one spoon in her right hand and a half-cut moon-cake in the other.

"it's mid-autumn festival. want some moon-cake?"

yes was obviously the answer. i know i said i don't like moon-cakes, but when you're on a role, you just want to continue. just like watching tv and playing videos games. you just can't stop. well also, my friend bothered to remember that i'm, in fact, chinese like her and that i miss home too. really it's the thought that counts the most.

here's my friend with a moon-cake and a spoon. and her garfield pjs. haha

when i was in school in hong kong, i learnt this chinese song / poem, which the poet, su shi wrote in the memory of his brother during mid-autumn festival.

水調歌頭 蘇軾
明月幾時有，把酒問青天？
不知天上宮闕，今夕是何年。


我欲乘風歸去，唯恐瓊樓玉宇，高處不勝寒。
起舞弄清影，何似在人間。

轉朱閣，低綺戶。照無眠。
不應有恨，何事長向別時圓？
人有悲歡離合，月有陰晴圓缺，此事古難全。

i know it sucks for you non-chinese readers, so i wikipedia-ed found the english translation of it. also, just let me attach a song with this poem as its lyrics. if you want to listen to this song, CLICK ME.

thinking of you - su shi
when will the moon be clear and bright?
with a cup of wine in my hand, i ask the blue sky.
in the heavens on this night,
i wonder what season it would be?

i'd like to ride the wind to fly home.
yet i fear the crystal and jade mansions
are much too high and cold for me.
dancing with my moonlit shadow,
it does not seem like the human world.

the moon rounds the red mansion,
stoops to silk-pad doors,
shines upon the sleepless,
bearing no grudge,
why does the moon tend to be full when people are apart?

people have sorrow or joy, be near or far apart,
the moon may be dim or bright; round or crescent shaped,
this imperfection has been going on since the beginning of time.
may we all be blessed with longevity,
though thousand miles apart, we are still able to share the beauty of the moon together.

happy mid-autumn festival you all.

i may be paranoid, but no android

e (/ˈiː/) is a vowel and the fifth letter from the alphabet. it is also the most commonly used letter in many languages, such as czech, english, french, german and spanish.

this is what the e looks like on my keyboard. unfortunate i know. i've gotten my 11" macbook air when i was in year 11, which was two years ago. don't get me wrong, i still love my baby. actually i'm loving it more and more each day.

reasons why i love this laptop:

• i've got small hands - small keyboard, great for small hands
• it's light - i travel a lot, so yeh it's just convenient
• it's a mac - let's be honest now guys. how can you not love a mac? macs are great.
• my momma and my papa got it for me

i remember my last computer was a sony vaio. i didn't really like it, but i guess it was fine. after while i got a macbook. a white one. it was quite a beautiful one, but then i got bored of it, so i gave it to my brother it broke. quelle horreur. that means i had to get a new one. i chose this one. a macbook air with an 11" monitor. it has a memory capacity of 256gb and a 4gb ram. i don't know what that means, but it sure did cost a lot more. 

i guess me and this baby have gone through thick and thin. i once almost lost it. i split tea on it. i can't say i'm entirely proud of it. sometimes it doesn't like what i'm doing on it and shuts down. it plays music suddenly. i guess it's a love-hate relationship, but i'm definitely not complaining.

two years and still going.

wow i just wrote a whole post on my laptop, but when you love something this much, it deserves a post itself.

the autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place, and i can picture it after all these days

school has officially started and work's already starting to pile up. it's great being back, because looking on the bright side, it's my last year of high school and that's great. this means i can finally escape the crazy school routine (waking up at 6.30 every morning to make sure i look decent for school, say whaaat?) and all those high school dramas.

also, i have my own room this year and i'm quite enjoying it. i've always shared a room with my sister, because mom wanted us to be close. i'm not complaining, because i do love my sister a lot (hi, chloe.), but this is a new experience and it's all great really. now i have my own room, i started decorating it more. it's like my little one-roomed home, but i'm still loving it. well because i'm decorating, this means money's spent. i mean A LOT of money is spent, but i guess it'll be worth it. nothing beats being comfy in your own room / personal space.

first, i got myself a little teapot. it's quite pointless really, because of its size. i can fill one cup of tea with it and i don't know, it's probably better off just taking my cup instead of a small teapot. however, it just looks soooo cute. i can't possibly leave it alone in store.

an artsy photo of me pouring my tea. 

i also got myself a new pencil bag. it's YELLOW and it says PEN ORGY on it. how cool is that? i got in on urban outfitters and it might not be the most appropriate thing to take to classes, but as long as i like it, it'd be fine. i also like how big it is. i can almost fit all my pens in it.

life would suck if you're a ruler. you're not welcomed.

then there's my wall of photos. without this, my room would look sooo empty. it keeps me feeling secure at night. also, it safe-keeps my memories in a visible place. all from last year. i know. a lot happen in a year. too much sometimes. you know that moment when you look at some pictures and wonder why you aren't friends with that person anymore? that happens too often.

that little montage at the bottoms my favourite.

 one of the reasons why i like being in an all girls' boarding school is because girls do notice and they do care. one of my english friends decided to sneak into my room, steal and use a piece of my post-its, write something on it, and stick it on my laptop. sometimes i wish i were a man. it would make life easier. girls are so much easier to like than boys. ugh boys.

and the great gatsby trailer. it's great.

it's great being back in school. i guess this is a new start. work hard everyone!

now and then i think of when we were together.

today's the day i'm leaving hong kong. saying goodbye's always hard, but this time even harder. not only am i saying goodbye to my family, but also to a small chunk of my past life.

you know that moment when you know something's coming to an end and you don't want it to? that basically describes my situation right now. time goes on, people change, feelings change too. a person once so important to you has to make way for others to come into your life. no matter how bad you want it to last and stay, it won't. time doesn't wait for anyone. 

that moment when you think you're ready to move on, but you aren't. then you look back and wonder what had gone wrong and what else would've happened. you want to cry, but you're so sad that no tears, nothing, comes out. you're so alone and no one can help you. 

am i upset? yes i am, but i'm glad it happened. one day in my life, i'll look back smiling and think: "thank you for loving me. at least someone loved me so much once."

love is one crazy thing. 

future's so bright i gotta wear shades.

today was just like any other day. nothing much happened and just as i was having my last check on the internet before bed, i came across this.

520 views?! i only started this blog a month ago and i guess i have made quite a lot of progress. to all those who read my blog, thank you for your support. to those who don't, you can start if you want to. i won't force you. this is just a platform for me to express my rarest and rawest feelings.

however this is quite a large number for a nobody like me, so i'm pretty pleased. thank you all again for all the support!

by the way, even though it's the end of summer soon, i got new shades. whooop. happy sam is happy. very very happy.

all i want is the wind in my hair, to face the fear but not feel scared

"me? i'm scared of everything! i'm scared of what i saw. i'm scared of what i did, of who i am. and most of all, i'm scare of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life... the way i feel when i'm with you!" - baby, "dirty dancing"

pretty much sums up my fears

i guess people deal with their fears everyday. i'm not afraid of many things; i'm fearless, but i'll always be scared no matter how old i grow. the worst. definitely knowing you don't matter anymore to someone. that's the worst. oh and bugs. they creepy too.

fingers crossed

results day today. right now i'm feeling like this.

hope things are gonna go fine.

let’s toast cause things got better, and everything could change like that.

i have never lived alone. since a young child, i've stayed in the same room as the sister. then i've decided to leave home to go to boarding school 6074 miles away. i thought i could experience the life of being an individual, but i have never been more wrong. 

in the beginning, i shared a room with three to four girls of the same grade. was it a hardship? yes, it definitely was. crazy teenaged girls constantly high on hormones and over-reacting over everything has  been what i've been dealing with for five years. half a decade. mind you that's a pretty long time. do i hate sharing a room with friends/roommates? yes i do. it creates unnecessary tension and it never ends will. then again, there's always another side to a story and there sure is one to this.

i was tidying up my hard disk today and i came across this. me writing my name for some storage at school. i've been in high school for seven years. SEVEN YEARS. that's almost a decade. i've survived without harming myself immensely. wow this is something. i'm actually proud. just one more year of hell high school then i'll be in university. 

let's just say i have a lot of stuff.

then i came across this. my friend writing my name on a card. why would she do that? i don't know. it's not like i don't know how to write my name. however, i don't mind, because jade is one of those rare ones, who i won't ever doubt what she's doing. just like most girls, she does have her hysterical times and her overly-calm times where i just want to beat some sense into her. however at the end of the day i know i can trust her and she would be there for me. this is the true beauty of boarding school. you meet people who genuinely care for you and they stay in your life forever. 

yep. sam lee.

however, she didn't stop at just writing my name; she continued drawing cars and boobs. i mean you know you're close to someone when they start drawing boobs on everything of yours. EVERYTHING, even my work. it's not even funny anymore. this doesn't make me love her any less though. you might be thinking: "you sound like you're in love with her". well i'm not. it's just i'm at that point where i really appreciate someone being in my life.

i don't have a lot of friends and i have never had much. i've always been that weird kid who lurked in the backgrounds, not wanting to stick out. i was never the queen bee, or the ultimate nerd, or the one who did sports, or the one who did everything for attention. hence the limited number of people in my social life. that's why it means so much to me when someone shows or tells me that i matter. that's my achilles' ankle.

so lord, if you're reading this, thank you. thank you for all the friends you've given me and especially for those who will stay in my life. i'm grateful. eternally grateful.

i'm gonna miss this so much

so apparently i cry in cars. great.

who doesn't like some tits?

she was holdin' a pair, but i had to try

so when you're home with your family, you probably would watch a movie or chat. well this isn't what we do in the lee abode. we gamble. big two, poker, black jack, you name it. however, our favourite has always been mahjong. i've been playing since i was in year two. impressive i know. 

today was another normal (gambling) day in the lee's household. as always, my brother was winning. he doesn't really have the skills, but he has the luck. i mean who needs skills when you have luck? he WAS winning until this.

i won't need to explain how good this combo is to people who play mahjong. to people who don't play mahjong, this is harder than winning the lottery, which is 1 in 13,983,816. i'm not the best in maths, but my godbrother helped me calculate the probability of getting this combo and he said some number with seventeen zeros. that doesn't really mean anything to me. all i know this combo has gotten me 300 HKD or 3000 points.

god, i just love home.

because it's his bad luck to be the best

as a self-confessed movie addict, i tend to drift away from tv shows. it's not like they're not any good. i just assumed tv shows are less thought-through. then i came across hannibal.

from google images. googles just fantastic.

if you've heard of the silence of the lambs series by thomas harries, you would definitely know who hannibal lecture is. hannibal is a clever yet evil cannibalistic psychiatrist who is destined to be the rival of will graham, a special fbi agent. that's the most in depth i can go into without giving away any of the plot and to hide my lack of knowledge on the novels.

i have to say i have not accepted myself to be so hooked on the tv series. bryan fuller has done a fantastic job on portraying all characters with full details in 13 episodes. the details and set created are phenomenal. there's a scene in one of the beginning episodes, where a murderer's daughter comes home to see the word "cannibals" written on her garage door. even though the camera focuses on the daughter, we can see hannibal blurred out in the backgrounds.

let's be honest here though. i still haven't finished the series, as i cannot watch too many episodes a day. compared to the crazy rate i've gone through "fringe" (4 seasons in 3 days, crazy i know), i've spent a whole week watching one season, which is quite slow. i couldn't actually sleep after the first 6 episodes, giving me the hint that maybe i should either slow down or stop watching.

well to conclude, this is a time-worthy series and if you want something thrilling to watch, you know what to watch. just make sure you lock up doors at night to feel safer when you sleep at night.

when will i begin to live again?

one day i'll fly away,

leave all this to yesterday.

what more could your love do for me?

when will love be through with me?

why live life from dream to dream,

and dread the day when dreaming ends?

grandpa, take me back to yesterday, where the line between right and wrong didn't seem so hazy.

do i really want to grow up?

i've always wanted to grow up. growing up just seemed like the right thing to do. however, lately i've been having other thoughts. i don't even know if i'm the same person anymore.

my mother said "sam, do you not like coming home anymore? our views on life and things are just so different". i still like going home, but i cannot deny how much i've changed. the way i dress, the way i talk, the way i act.

anyways, growing up seems so much of a hassle right now. might just stop growing for a bit and just stay young. meeh i don't know.

http://thetangential.com/2011/10/12/things-about-adulthood-that-i-expected-would-be-way-cooler/