mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them.

i'm usually a really happy person, but recently things happened and i've been super down. one of the things that gets me the most is when someone isn't actually who you think they are. that feeling sucks, yet i experience it every single day. as the most gullible person you can ever meet (i'm not stupid. i'm just really really gullible), it beats me down. i think gullibility counts as a mistake, because the more often you find out about the truth of something, the more you wouldn't believe in someone / something or you would protect yourself. 

i swear that's not how i work. i'm like a goldfish. three-seconded memory. i forget how people can hurt me and as soon as they're nice to me, i go all in. i'm trying really really hard to be nice to people and civilised to my enemies, but people just don't really see it. sometimes i just wish i can be some kind of animal e.g. a dog, then i can run away from all these. alas, i'm not. i'm a human being and human beings do not survive well alone. 

on the subject of being alone, i've never felt more alone in my life. i know i've got my family, i've got my friends, i've got a home, i've got school, i've got things i like. i should be so damn happy. but i'm not. i know, i have everything. i'm a lucky one. i wake up healthy everyday and that is the greatest gift god has ever given me. if god exists. if there's a god, he would notice my pain and what i'm going through. don't get me wrong. i'm not starting the huge debate whether if god exists or if he loves me or not, but god, if you're listening to me right now, i'm in a lot of pain, help me. i can't go through this alone. what i'm going through isn't as hard as what some people go through on a daily basis, but it sure is persistent. sometimes i prefer something harder but shorter. i tend to forget pain anyways, so to me it's not as much of a big deal than persistence. 

you might now think that i hate everyone and that i'm a hateful and spiteful bitch. honestly, i'm not. people i call my enemies i don't actually consider them that. it's just a shorter version to me of friend-who-doesn't-like-me-and-we-don't-get-along. if people who hate me all of a sudden tell me that they love me, i'll go running head over heels to them. i wish everyone good. life's too short to be hateful. it's tiring and annoying for myself anyways. don't think of me as too selfless. i'm not that either. i just don't like holding grudges. however, this isn't the case for most people. people hate and they hurt others. i guess everyone's a victim. just like everyone in means girls are victimised by regina george. however that doesn't mean i'm going to be regina. i prefer being janis ian. the one who's gone through a lot but would end up with people who genuinely care.

maybe i'm over-thinking this again. i have a tendency to over-think before bed. besides a lot has actually happened in the duration of 2 / 3 weeks. i'm not mature; i'm only seventeen. i need a break from all this, and i think well actually a summer internship in a law firm is actually good for me. first i get to know more people. second i've learnt quite a bit. third, i can run away from home. i love home, but when one of my dogs now is actually diagnosed with cancer, i don't want to go home. i don't want to see her suffer. yep, i'm definitely over-thinking this. hey, but who doesn't love a thinker? we're the ones who get things done and makes the world go around. 

who knows what life is going to be like in, hell, five seconds, five minutes, five years or even five decades. all i know right now is that i've got my family to rely on and i'm not a very bad person. i might not be the person you like the most. i might even be the person you hate. this whole post might not even make any sense to you, but it's the way i've processed the data in my brain and what you feel right now, is exactly what i've felt. it might not be good, but it's raw and real.

this was going to be a short rant before bed, but it's transformed into an essay-like stream of consciousness. yet at the end of the day, i know i've got myself and if everything goes wrong, i can always go somewhere else, with my camera and my optimism. my only enemy is that little voice inside my head, but i'm not worried. i've got a whole lifetime to battle and learn to live with it. maybe that voice needs a little love too, that's all.