so where the hell's my hope?

not gonna lie, i want 2014 to be over. i have lost so much (unfortunately, not weight. only thing i wish i lost, but alas). this year and i cannot actually wait for it to be over.

i thought 2013 was the worst year of my life, but no. looking back, 2014's way worse. i've lost him, i've lost the friendship i thought would last a lifetime. i've lost all my aspirations to follow my dreams. worst of all i feel like i have lost myself. 

as much as it upsets me that i'm home, maybe this is best for me to not make any mistakes that can potentially ruin my life further, just like the beginning of 2013. i thought 2014 would be the best year of my life. turns out i've never been more wrong. 

2015, i beg you. please, pretty please, be nice to me. 

there'll be days like this my momma said

4.33 in the morning and brain finally turned off. "i had forgotten that this morning was this morning". maybe some reading before bed would be a good idea.

i don't remember since when i've started to like poems. maybe that time i found out my sister wrote poems. maybe that time i stayed awake in class and learnt about duffy and "disgrace". the flow of the rhythm. the onomatopoeic nature of words. the raw emotions of the poet. almost too electrical and intangible for me to touch and feel. tonight i read this. i want to feel, desperately grasping onto that last strand of romanticism in me that is not washed away by the exhaustion and frustration.

"we have both learnt the art of capture.
maybe we are learning the art of embracing.
maybe we are learning the art of letting go." - sarah kay

do you wanna build a snowman?

christmas. to many, christmas commence once the leaves turn that one rusty shade. or to some it would be when the pumpkin spiced latte makes his cameo on the starbucks menu. christmas, to me, does not start until it's in the mid 20s of december, until i can feel the cold wind in my bones and blood. well i'm just not a big christmas person (please don't shoot me).

but i want to be. i want to choose a perfect christmas tree on a cold winters day. i want to be the one who cuts the turkey open at the head of the table. i want hot chocolate with that one right person by the fireside, eating toasted marshmallows. i want to get into the christmas spirits too.

it just doesn't quite feel like christmas to me still.

think of all the places we could be

i am a college student. there i said it. it's still kinda hard to wrap my head around the whole going to college (or university if you're not american or if you don't talk american). before going to uni, i thought it would be all parties and fun. "you won't need to work hard at all! once you've passed your a-levels, you're sorted!" once said someone.

never. had. i. been. more. wrong. in. trusting. someone. 

don't even get my started.

i love university/college life. i do. i really do (promise i'm not trying to convince myself here). but there are things i have been doing wrong. like really wrong. i think everyone is on the same boat as me, but that doesn't make things right. just because someone decided to kill themselves doesn't mean i should be doing the same (but right now ending my life still sounds like a better idea than college essays). 

1. i really don't read enough anymore
   i miss the smell of paperbacks. the way the papers fold and unfold at your fingertips. the anticipation of what would happen next. i miss it all. i have exchanged john steinbeck with college essays, fitzgerald for alcohol; and there is nothing i regret more.
   
    "one must be careful of books, and what is inside them, for words have the power to change us." -- Cassandra Clare, "The Infernal Devices"
   
2. sleeping time schedules 
   let me just sum it up for you: i have a fucked up sleeping schedule. i usually go to bed at 3 in the morning and wake up at 6.30. that gives me a grand total of 3.5 hours of sleep a day. no. just no. whoever started the whole "sleeping is for the weak" should be shot in the head. no jokes.
   
   "a dream, all a dream, that ends in nothing, and leaves the sleeper where he lay down, but i wish you to know that you inspired it." -- Charles Dickens, "A Tale of Two Cities"
   
3. people in general
   i miss being in boarding school (damn, there. i said it). i knew who to trust and who to avoid. i could identify those who were true to me and those who used me. here in university, i'm not so sure anymore. they say stay true to yourself, but it worries me. what if the person doesn't like who i really am? what if i'm not who i think i am? what if i'm not important at all? in a place like college, it's confusing. there are so many one would encounter, but only so many would stay.
   
   "i have given you all and now i'm nothing." -- Allen Ginsburg, "America"
   
4. not calling home enough
   i miss calling mom, knowing she would be on the other side counting down the days till i am home again. i miss having my sister tell me her day in london and how she wanted to come back to high school. i miss home. i miss the essence of being at home. i miss dad's food photos and the way he says he'll take us all out for a fancy meal when i'm back. but with uni in the way, i just don't have the time (says me who is now procrastinating and avoiding work). maybe it's about time i pick up that goddamn phone and phone my mother.
   
   "if equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me." -- W. H. Auden, "The More Loving One"

maybe it's about time i make a change.

""dear god,' she prayed, 'let me be something every minute of every hour of my life'" -- Betty Smith, "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn"

you lose control when you hold too tight, and turn your head long enough to let it bite.

just recently i found out how much of a control freak i am. i dread the moment when everything in my world falls apart into nothingness. i fear the unknown. i hate losing control. sometimes i laugh it off by saying: "who doesn't have a bit of an OCD freak in them? i mean c'mon", but it's true. everyone's slightly OCD-ish i would say. it just so happens that i might have a slightly larger percentage of needing to stay in control in all certain situations.

1. i wake up early in the morning to make sure all my work is done
2. i have three different mugs in my room. one for tea, one for water and one for alcohol alternative choices
3. a scratch on my screen protector can upset me for days
4. i have a back-up for everything (makeup, stationery, tea, perfume, you name it), which made me the most popular kid in boarding school
5. i leave my mess out so i can clean everything at night. every night.
6. i only use black pens (i have at least 40 right now in my drawer)
7. if i don't know your last name, i would hunt you down, because i need it for my phonebook
8. i am not a creaser or a bender when it comes to books. i open it with a 45 degree angle, so pages won't crease and the spine won't bend

there are more trust me. i assure you i live a normal lifestyle. all my rules do not affect me (that much), but i guess it does limit me. so i've decided, starting today (25th november 2014), i will try and let myself freak out a little less. being a control freak gets things done, but it's very tiring (waking up early does not always sound like a good idea if you went out the night before and went to bed at 5 in the morning. not good). promise to self and no pressure. university is the time when you change for the better, no?

sunrise, sunrise looks like mornin' in your eyes

i've started university for a month now and life has been hectic. assignments, courseworks, essays. when i have the time, i go to bed and just sleep contemplate. i can't say this is how i envisioned my university life to be like. i thought it was going to be less stressful and that i would have time sometimes just to relax myself. 

i guess as per usual, i was wrong. i woke up early today for a test (which i still have not started revising for), and i caught sight of the sunrise. i grabbed my ol' trusty canon 600d and snapped this. 

pretty, isn't it?

then i realised this. i do have time for relaxation. i just need to use my time wisely. sometimes you'll need to make an effort to see something that is no easily observed in our everyday lives. just like sunrises. yes they do happen early in the morning (if you have not noticed), but it's one of the most magical moments when you see the sun lighting up the horizon. maybe it is worth it after all.

a growing boy needs his lunch

let's be honest. what can be better than an italian meal with the family on a saturday night? i went to a place called pavia in hong kong (85 tak ku ling road). when you first go in, it looks a little shabby. it's a little too dim. the people are a little too loud. there aren't enough waitresses. then my dad started ordering. before i continue on to what we ordered, can i just say my dad usually orders too much for all of us. he orders for one meal and we end up taking the next day's lunch and dinner with us. yes he orders that much.

first came the garlic bread and the salad, but they weren't that worth mentioning. then came the ravioli in truffle sauce. lord and baby jesus on high, this was so good. when i say good, i mean jaw-dropping, awe-inspiring, mouth-watering good. the creaminess of the sauce is a perfect match for the ravioli, making it the best dish i had the whole night. ravioli to me is just like italian wanton. i do like me some good wanton, so i'm not complaining. i must say this is better than any ravioli i've ever had. so if you're a ravioli lover, pop in a try this place, it'll definitely give you a pleasant surprise.

tip: if you want to finish the sauce yet it feels too creamy, get an order of garlic bread. it'll soak up the excess cream and add more flavour to your bread at the same time.

then came the lobster bisque. as i've mentioned in a previous blogpost, i am a soup junkie. i love soup. any kind of soup. so my father ordered this lobster bisque for me. yet i didn't enjoy it as much as i would like to. the soup is creamy, but it is too salty. it feels like someone grabbed a pinch of salt and shoved it down my throat. i'm not a great fan of the soup and i felt like i could have enjoyed something better instead of the soup. also the soup is VERY filling. after having finished half a soup, i felt full.

also, i do not like my lobster overcooked, yet when i finished off the soup, the lobster was so overcooked, it felt crispy. maybe some of you would be a fan of a crispy lobster, but i must say i am not. for its price, i would say the lobster bisque is not worth it. you can give it a go, but i do not recommend it.

 we also had three pastas (i know, papa lee went overboard once again). a clam linguine, a spaghetti aglio olio and a classic carbonara. my favourite was the carbonara (ironic: i don't actually like cheese). the carbonara was so creamy and so full of taste, i had to have seconds. the bacon in the carbonara has been fried just enough, so it's golden brown. the other two were quite spicy. i like spices, especially chilli and spiciness (what can i say? i'm a true chinese at heart). both the clam linguine and the spaghetti aglio olio are cooked just right, making sure the pasta is in fact cooked yet not losing its texture. yet again my favourite was the carbonara. they have really nailed it with the carbonara. well i guess it's a pretty safe bet, but it's the best carbonara i've ever had.

one nice little detail pavia has done to ensure a nice and relaxing meal. michael jackson is being played in the background. talking about childhood memories, me and my mom used to listen to mj and jam to him music when i was as young as four. overall, this is a nice italian restaurant, as a lot of preparation and thought have been put into the food. the waitresses are very nice indeed, letting us enjoy ourselves to the max when we were there. 

tip: 

• reserve a table before you go, or you won't get  table.
• make sure you don't have a father who over orders. not cool.
• come with an empty stomach. 

i don't want my wheaties, give 'em to the needy

a childhood memory is that nostalgic feeling you get when you eat / drink / do because you used to do it often as a child. for me it's definitely australian dairy company. to be honest with you, it hasn't changed a single bit since i was a child. the same menu. the same waiters. the same attitude. the only thing that has changed is the price, but i guess most people can put up with that. we go so often that the waiters there recognise us and would give us a table at any time of the day. talking about vips and special treatment.

my mom and i used to come when i got ill. our doctor was two streets away, so me and my mom would always come after having been force-fed pills and medicine down my throat. then it became our sunday rituals. we went every single sunday for breakfast before church, and we loved it. alas, nothing good lasts forever. i went to the uk for high school and i could only enjoy breakfast time with my mom in the holidays. waking up in the mornings is one of the hardest tasks i have yet to master, but i don't mind sacrificing my sleeping time for mom. 

though it isn't a sunday today, mom decided it would be a good idea to go just before i depart once again. my favourite dish on the menu is the macaroni. it is the creme de la creme of macaronis and i don't think i'll ever be able to find anything as good as this. as a small eater, i usually only have this and i'm done for the rest of the morning. the good thing about this macaroni is that it isn't too tasteful, nor is it too oily. it's just right for me. if you're a person who likes very strong flavours or super oily and greasy food, i would not recommend this to you. i do understand why my mom took us here when me and my siblings got ill. if you're going to eat saltless, oilless, and seasoning-less food, why not eat something that tastes amazing on its own? just because you're ill, it doesn't mean that you have to suffer.

 the second half of the breakfast set comes with toast and the egg of your choice. you can choose scrambled or a sunny-side up. mommy usually chooses scrambled and i believe this is the british way of making scrambled eggs. just like the macaroni, there isn't too much seasonings added to the egg, but it is extremely delicious. it's creamy, without tasting too milky. the egg and the toast make a perfect combo, as they complement each other. the butter on the toast brings out the egg's flavour, whilst adding more texture to it.

i don't know if it's the breakfast that is great, or if it's how much i like going to breakfast with my mom. maybe it's both, but it would never taste the same if i haven't started going as a child, whilst holding my mom's hand, queuing for a space in the corner. 

sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet

desserts. where do i even start? in hk we had an advert for ferrero rocher that says how ferrero rocher is actually the food of the gods. i can't deny the fact that i worship desserts. every bit of sweetness is equivalent to a bit of goodness and kindness to me.

today is good friday, so my mom thought it would be appropriate for her to starve me for a day till dinner. thank lord jesus christ (in every literal sense), dinner came and we had sushi. after that we decided to go for a bit of dessert at beard papa's, a japanese chain patisserie that sells cream puffs. 

as i am the rebel of the family, i decided to not get the puff but something else. i looked around and decided to the brownie cake. i mean look at this, isn't this the most beautiful thing on earth?

tip: if you'd want to eat it on-the-go, ask for a spoon. they'll gladly give you one. it is absolutely suitable to be eaten on-the-go, as the wrapping is water-proof (how thoughtful of them).

(excuse the blurry photo)

even though i knew the insides of the cake would be runny (afterall it is called a 心太軟, which directly translates to heart too soft), i didn't expect it to be this rich and creamy. so creamy i got really full and sick after a while. all and all this is a great dessert after a long day of starvation. 

tip: if you don't have a massive sweet-tooth (like me), share it with someone (a.k.a. a fatass of a brother who has a sweet-tooth like no one else). first, it saves you money; second, you won't be overwhelmed by the chocolate-ness of the brownie cake)

until next time, stay safe humans and wear protection. i mean a bandaid you sick minded being.

a bottle of white, a bottle of red, perhaps a bottle of rosé instead

wherever there is good food, you'll find me. also where there's free stuff. i love free stuff. me and my mom went shopping for some cakes at cova the other day and they gave us a 50% off coupon for their lunch sets. so we went yesterday. 

i chose the lobster bisque and the scallop linguine. i'm a visual person and i appreciate how they've laid out my meal. i mean it is cova and cova does do things right. the lobster bisque is creamy with plenty of lobster in it. cova has put a little twist to the dish by adding a small piece of garlic bread and sun-dried tomato and sour cream.

tip: eat the garlic bread before you start the soup, it cleanses your palette, giving even more of the flavour chance to seep through when you drink it

then the scallop linguine. i would have to say i prefer the soup more than the linguine, as i am quite a soup junkie myself. the linguine is a safe choice and even though it tasted good, it wasn't too special or original. on the other hand, my mother chose the carbonara and it looked really good. if you're a big eater, you'd be delighted to know it's quite a big portion. it doesn't look much, but it's quite the stomach filler.

overall it was a good meal, but it wasn't the best italian i've had. the lobster bisque is great and maybe try the carbonara. if you're from the uk, i prefer zizzi's or jamie oliver's italian. 

do you like waffles?

time has been passing by really quickly and i have been back in hong kong for two weeks now. hong kong is a beautiful city and every time i'm here i fall more in love with it. one of the reasons has to be the food. F-O-O-D. food. 

i'm a true foodie at heart. i'm learning how to cook in my spare time and i don't mind waking up three hours earlier in the morning (i usually wake up at 7, so that would mean waking up at 4 in the morning) to go to a good place for breakfast.

i was meeting up with a friend and we wanted to go to this place, which is called the green waffle diner. it is very important for a diner or a restaurant to be situated in the right place. green waffle diner is on 35-39 graham street, central, making it really convenient for people working in  office buildings and shopping malls in the area. 

me and my friend went at 11.30 in the afternoon after we found out that little bao (another restaurant in central) is not opened until 6.30 pm, we decided to go here. only one table was occupied.

tip: if you want to get a table, go earlier. i know many would say duh, it's kinda mandatory to go early for a table at lunch. i mean go before 11.30. that would ensure you a table. or you can also make a reservation. 

we ordered a meat-lover skillet, which basically translates to bacon, steak, baked potatoes, two poached eggs, mushrooms and sausages. the diner has fully won me over with the way they've laid out the main course. the skillet isn't as hot as i thought it would be, yet still successfully retains all heat in. 

my favourite part of the whole skillet is the baked potato. it's not too oily and crispy on the outside. i used the poached egg as a sauce to moisten the potato and to give it more of a flavour. i'd say this is the best potato i've ever had. this is quite a lot, giving that i don't actually like potatoes and that i study in the uk (a.k.a. potato land).

although the skillet is mouth-watering, i would say the highlight of the whole meal is the waffle. i'm a savoury kind of a person, but the waffle was phenomenal. condensed milk waffle with strawberries. i mean c'mon. nothing in life can get better than this. 

as the diner is called "green waffle diner", the waffle does steal the spotlight from everything else. the waffle is golden brown and just big enough for two. it's soft and chewy at the same time. even though the condensed milk gives the waffle more taste and flavour, it is not too overpowering. 

all and all, i have enjoyed myself eating here. the food's nice. the atmosphere is calming and unique. the food isn't too oily or processed. one of my must-gos in hong kong. i mean what better place to be on a wednesday afternoon than eating waffles and listening to indie german music?

sometimes at night i think too much about life and love and music and stuff

so recently i read this post on thought catalog. it made me think. we often see mothers showing gratitude to daughters, thanking them for their existence and the joy they bring and add to the mothers' lives. yet how often do you see a daughter thanking the mother for all she's done? the rebellious puberty stage is often overstated by modern-day media and though we age and mature over time, we still take our mothers for granted.

it was twelve in the morning when i started writing this. i was tired and frustrated with schoolwork and i've decided to take a detour on the thought catalog website and i found the post on the letter to a daughter. i wanted to show the world there are grateful daughters in the world. i'm not saying the i'm the best daughter anyone can have. by all means, no i am not, but i notice things other people don't (or so i hope i do).

i'd say i'm ecstatic and elated (apply all fancy worlds that mean i'm over the moon in the relative phrase). thought catalog has always been where i hide out from my problems or from my work. and now i have a profile there. SAM LEE. right there. my name on thought catalog. not gonna lie, i've been refreshing the page non-stop for two days now and there are 200 something shares and likes on my article. not too shabby i'd say for a newbie :)

after this, i've thought my life through. maybe if law doesn't work out, i'll be a cat-loving feministic foodie who hates on the world. maybe i can actually write for a living. who knows?

and what if i don't ever want to leave my house?

so it has been a while (once again). i guess life has been quite mediocre (and again). let me just give you a little run down with what's happened to me recently:

1. i've broken my laptop and fixed it - basically i've spilt oil on fred and his keyboard broke. fixed him though so it's all good now
2. i've dropped my camera and broke it. now fixed - i've been on a very destructive mode recently. everything's falling apart. first it was fred. then it was leila. i'm a shit owner.
3. i've ripped one of my todds handbag - i tried to get off my bed and stepped on the strap. before i knew it, i ripped the straps off my bag. 
4. hence i've gotten a new bag - an alexander wang rocco bag. it's so beautiful i think i'm going to die
5. i'm removing one of my tattoos - the one on my wrist. my mom really doesn't like it and she said she'll let me keep my whale tattoo on my ribs if i removed my wrist tattoo
6. i'm contemplating whether i should pack or not - long story short, the canadian consulate has put my passport application on hold and i don't  even know if i can go home

other than that, 2014 has been swell might i just say. you might wonder why would i want to remove the tattoo all of a sudden. well actually i don't. i still love it, even though it's half gone and all puffed up and red. i guess the reasons why i agree to removing it are: (i've been loving making lists recently, if you can't tell)

1. it reminds me of a bad time, when i was doubting myself a lot and just giving up on life. i guess that's a past tense now. gotten rid of all the bad influences and i no longer care about the people who don't matter anymore. well done sam (pathetic pat on the back)
2. my mom is the person who knows me better than me. i'm still trying to figure myself out. yet momma always knows best. so i figured it wouldn't hurt just to listen to her (i was wrong. removing a tattoo hurts like a mother-bitch)
3. i haven't thought it through when i got it. i'd like to think i have, but honestly, true to myself and you, i really haven't. let's say it was my attempt of trying to be more hipster-like (and have obviously failed)

i know my blog is more like a photo journal than a word-y blog, but i'm going to save your eyes from seeing my half-healed tattoo. 

until next time. au revoir, mes amis.

you're trying your hardest and the hardest part is letting go

time to turn off them feels.

grab a chair and fill your platter, and dig, dig, dig right in

so it's been a while since i've posted or cooked. you know the usual "i'm preparing for uni" or "i've got tons of work" kinda excuse. so let's just get going with the blogpost.

me and my friend, the infamous jade, decided we wanted something to eat one afternoon. so i packed my bags and went to the nearby waitrose for some groceries. we decided we wanted to make spaghetti carbonara and some candied on a sunday afternoon, before we gave up revised for french.

CANDIED BACON
not to brag, but i'm the best candied bacon-maker in town. i am convinced that if i went out and gave some random guy my candied bacon, he would agree to marry me. i haven't tried, but it is possible. we'd never know until we really try right?

things you would need:

• bacon (i know right, who would have guessed)
• brown sugar
• baking paper (optional: if you prefer greasing your metal tray or whatnot, it's just there would be less washing up at the end of the day)
• metal tray
• an oven preheated at 180 degrees celsius (smart kid who doesn't live in the uk, you do the maths yourself)

1. first, we prepare the bacon
this is the easiest step of the whole process. you cut the packet open and voila, you have it. nice strips of bacon. you can choose any kind of bacon you want. i usually choose the cheapest, because of my poor student lifestyles. this time, jade decided to go for ones that are sightly marinated in maple syrup, to bring out the sweetness a bit



2. marinate the bacon with brown sugar
this step is not hard, but quite fiddly i would say, and you would need to get your hands dirty and sticky. basically, you grab a strip of bacon and you rub brown sugar into it, until it is all saturated.

then you place it on the metal tray lined with baking paper. place all the bacons side by side until you can fit no more in the tray. then you know you're doing it right.

3. put the bacon into the oven for 15 minutes or until it is golden

the oven should have been reheated at 180 degrees celsius since the moment you've dipped your fingers into that brown sugar heaven. so carefully without burning yourself (trust me, it isn't pretty if you do. i've tried and jesus christ, it hurts like a kick in your balls). 

i don't usually wait for 15 minutes, because i'm an impatient high-schooler who would eat raw cookie dough. just make sure the brown sugar is all melted and sizzling in the metal tray. then you know you're done!

4. decorate it and make it look "gourmet"

i cannot stress this enough. a meal is only good if it looks good. i'm a very visual person and i would not have eaten if i had to eat directly from the metal tray. so i've decorated it minimally slightly with no some effort. and here it is!

the yummy product

this was definitely worth all the weight i've put on 

SPAGHETTI CARBONARA

i'm not going to lie. i haven't done as much with the carbonara than with the candied bacon. the carbonara is my friend jade's baby, but it still tasted amazing. so i'm just going to share with you all how you can make carbonara.

what you need:

• spaghetti
• 4-6 eggs - depends on how much you're making
• 1 whole onion (and maybe onion goggles to stop you from crying)
• cheese (lots of it) and cheese sauce (makes it creamier)
• bacon
• 2- 3 pinches of pepper and salt each
• garlic powder

1. put the spaghetti into boiling water and leave it there

this is a preparation step. as a busy student who pretty much lives off the internet studies very hard for her finals at the end of the year, i like to save time. time is precious kids. 

2. dice the onion and the bacon

all you need to do is to cut the onion and the bacon into very very small chunks. i'd say the size of your fingernails, but don't hold me to it. i don't know the size of your fingernail.

3. start cooking the onion on the stove 

just cook the onion until it is slightly golden-y brown. then add the bacon in and leave it to cook for a while, until the bacon is golden brown too.

4. put the eggs, cheese, pepper, salt and garlic powder into a mixing bowl and mix it

this is the moment when you create your amazing carbonara sauce, and the best bit is, it's not even hard! just put everything that remains together and mix it with a fork.

and this would turn into....

THIS!

5. put the bacon and onion into the sauce. then pour the sauce (containing the bacon) into the spaghetti

after leaving your bacon on the stove for a while, it should look a little like this:

looks good eh?

then you can pour this into the cheese sauce. and if your spaghetti looks like this:

i would say the spaghetti is ready and pour all the remaining water out. then you pour the sauce into the spaghetti and stir it until it is even.

6. decorate it and make it look "gourmet"
now you find a nice bowl to put all the spaghetti carbonara in. as i said this is the most important step, as nice-looking food makes the food taste better.

this ALSO is the best carbonara i've ever tasted. i must say i'm rather proud of myself and my fellow partner jade. i hope this wasn't too confusing and that it is actually easy for you to do at home, at school or wherever.

bon appetit, mes cheris!

building your dream has to start now

many would know what it feels like to be a magician who pulls a rabbit out of a hat, but few would ever wonder what it feels like to be the rabbit in the hat. what does the rabbit feel when it's in there? fear? tranquility? or maybe angst?

if i were the rabbit, i would be ardent.

my moment of fame.

all eyes on me. 

the star of the room. 

if i were the rabbit, i would feel dismal.

my short-lived glory. 

the spotlight put aside.

back into the darkness.

if i were the rabbit, i would pray and hope.

when would i be allowed out again?

to feel alive.

to feel like for once in my life, 

just this once,

i belong somewhere.

i looked round and i knew there was no turning back.

happy 2014, everyone!

i know i haven't posted in a while, but i just felt like i needed some time to myself. to just rethink my life and my goal (again). having time to yourself is so important and i cannot stress it enough.

well, 2013 has been one of the (excuse my language) shittiest years of my life. hell, it was the shittiest. things just did not work out. heartbreak after heartbreak. disappointment after disappointment. i even contemplated on killing myself. it was that bad. BUT it's all over now, isn't it? 2014 it's a brand new year.

2014 has been great up till now. i'm happy. i feel motivated and i feel like i can conquer the world. with the support of my loved ones, i know i'm invincible. i guess i was just too proud and ignorant to see that last year and concentrated on the people who did not matter in my life. maybe it's time to just stop caring what other people saw of me. that's one of my unrealistically many new year resolutions.

another one of my new year resolutions is to lose weight. i've lost 7 kg since the end of november last year, so i'm feeling pretty good about myself. if you're thinking: "sam, but you just said you're not gonna care what people think anymore." i'm not. i just want to be the best version of myself. i want to look in the mirror and like what i see. that's all. i mean, if other people are going to be mean, they'll always find ways. i just want to be healthy and have that amazing bikini body. it's my year after all. also i'm only eighteen once. if this is not the time i get the perfect body and flaunt it, when would be the perfect time?

i guess after i've entered adulthood, i've really matured. i've always believed that life isn't about the results but the ride, BUT i think maybe the result is important too. you know what you're aiming for and you work hard for it. that was the thing that was missing last year. i wasn't focused. i didn't have a plan, but now i do. the future actually looks fairly bright. maybe i can actually succeed for once. wish me luck.

p.s. you know what would be so nice right now? a nutella crepe. yes i said it. a nutella crepe. god i'm so hungry.