the way you're holding on to me makes me feel like i can't breathe. just let me go, just let me go.

the heart can only take so much. sometimes i wish i can shut my feelings off and not ever feel again. 

moving on is hard, but seeing someone move on before you is even harder. it feels like something's weighing you down on the insides. you won't have the energy to do anything. to continue on with your life. to live. 

you act like everything's fine, but you know it isn't and there's nothing you can do about it. you cry yourself to sleep at night and wish for a better day, but it never comes. 

the heart can only take so much. i think i'm at my limit. 

dancing with my moonlit shadow.

so before i go on with the post, it's always helpful to just remind you of the fact that i am chinese; and what that means is that we have a lot of festivals. i mean A LOT. we have dragon boat festival, children's festival, and all that jazz. however one of my favourite would always be mid-autumn festival.

so because i don't really know how to explain to you what moon-cakes are and what is the mid-autumn festival, click me. basically, mid-autumn festival is a festival that happens every year in mid-autumn, if you haven't had guessed, when the moon is the roundest. moon-cakes are just the food we eat on this celebration.

one of the most fundamental things about mid-autumn festival is people usually spend it with their families. it's great because when i was in school in hong kong, we used to get let out of school early and we would have the next day off. sweet isn't it? however, the main point of the whole dinner and playtime with family, is just to remind you how important family is to you.

yesterday my sister took me out to dinner, because obviously she's the dearest and only family in the uk. besides who wouldn't want to spend mid-autumn festival with an annoying younger sister? i'm not going to lie. i've lived with my sister my whole life and this is the only year we've been apart, because now she's in university and i'm really really missing her.

"mom got you moon-cakes. here, take them."

when i was a kid i never liked moon-cake, but after i've left home to study in bristol, my views have definitely changed. don't get me wrong, i still don't really like the taste of it. it's just so sickly and sweet, but it means that someone in your family is missing you and would send or bring you some moon-cakes.

so today i was busy battling through my work and i came across this in my drawer. the peninsula moon-cakes. they're the best. they're so good i don't actually mind them. yeh they're that good. to me, they're not just little pastries that we get in festivals, but the love and care my dad and mom have given to me.

you would probably think, how does it show papa and mama's love? well it does.

1. they gave the best to me - it's not just moon-cakes, but everything. they're so used to it, they just voluntarily give the best to me without a second thought
2. they remember me - this sounds ridiculous, but when you know someone's missing you somewhere, it's just great you know. feels like everything is worth it and it would all be fine.

you might still think i'm exaggerating, but no i am not. you can think what you're thinking. it doesn't change how much i love my parents.

they just taste so good. the peninsula ones. i don't even know what's in them. *checks label* there is wheat flour, sugar, butter, eggs, salted duck egg yolks, custard powder, colour, milk powder, coconut milk, condesed milk, malt sugar, corn starch, tapioca starch, salt, honey. wow that's quite a mouthful and very very fattening. i guess i'll need to start running laps again, but hey they're worth it.

the moment i finished that little piece of delight, my friend came in, with one spoon in her right hand and a half-cut moon-cake in the other.

"it's mid-autumn festival. want some moon-cake?"

yes was obviously the answer. i know i said i don't like moon-cakes, but when you're on a role, you just want to continue. just like watching tv and playing videos games. you just can't stop. well also, my friend bothered to remember that i'm, in fact, chinese like her and that i miss home too. really it's the thought that counts the most.

here's my friend with a moon-cake and a spoon. and her garfield pjs. haha

when i was in school in hong kong, i learnt this chinese song / poem, which the poet, su shi wrote in the memory of his brother during mid-autumn festival.

水調歌頭 蘇軾
明月幾時有，把酒問青天？
不知天上宮闕，今夕是何年。


我欲乘風歸去，唯恐瓊樓玉宇，高處不勝寒。
起舞弄清影，何似在人間。

轉朱閣，低綺戶。照無眠。
不應有恨，何事長向別時圓？
人有悲歡離合，月有陰晴圓缺，此事古難全。

i know it sucks for you non-chinese readers, so i wikipedia-ed found the english translation of it. also, just let me attach a song with this poem as its lyrics. if you want to listen to this song, CLICK ME.

thinking of you - su shi
when will the moon be clear and bright?
with a cup of wine in my hand, i ask the blue sky.
in the heavens on this night,
i wonder what season it would be?

i'd like to ride the wind to fly home.
yet i fear the crystal and jade mansions
are much too high and cold for me.
dancing with my moonlit shadow,
it does not seem like the human world.

the moon rounds the red mansion,
stoops to silk-pad doors,
shines upon the sleepless,
bearing no grudge,
why does the moon tend to be full when people are apart?

people have sorrow or joy, be near or far apart,
the moon may be dim or bright; round or crescent shaped,
this imperfection has been going on since the beginning of time.
may we all be blessed with longevity,
though thousand miles apart, we are still able to share the beauty of the moon together.

happy mid-autumn festival you all.

but change in my pocket is always good for a laugh

so i went on a little shopping spree the other day. don't you judge me. life is hard and sometimes we just want to have some fun right?

i must confess. i love getting anything. ANYTHING. from clothes, to home-ware, to food. i love it all. however, my absolute favourite in the whole universe is shoes. i love shoes. shoes are so amazing. i mean: "give a girl the right shoes and she can concur the world". this is so true it hurts. i love shoes and i cannot stress enough.

so the first pair of shoes that has arrived school is this pair of vans. i got mine from matchesfashion.com and they came in 2 days. i can't say i'm not impressed. you know how all parcels come in really gloomy brown boxes. this did too. then i opened it. 

look at all those colours and patterns. isn't this just so amazing? i didn't even pay for the packaging, but it's just so pretty. this is the advantage of getting things from branded or expensive websites. even the packaging's nicer.

i mean just look at this. how can you not like this?

so i opened the box and i saw this. my kenzo x vans kicks. this is a cool box too. i mean two boxes in a parcel? yes please. i am a hoarder and i'm proud of it. guess who now has two nice boxes to put things in?

in the box, there lies my beautiful vans. i don't think any shoes can get any prettier than this. they are just exquisite. they were expensive, but hell they're so worth it. vans really has outdone themselves this time. i don't think i'll ever be able to find anything sneakers i love this much anymore.

i must say, this is the best thing that has happened to me all week. they're just so beautiful. you know when something's so beautiful you can't find words to describe them? yes this is that situation. i love these shoes.

be great in whatever you decide to do

before i start this post, let me just confess something. i've never watched x-men origins: the wolverine until this morning. as i was procrastinating tidying my room this morning, i decided it might be a good idea to put that movie on. then i discovered hugh jackman. 

well, i've always find him very very attractive. a perfect six-pack. a nice voice (with an australian accent), great actor. there isn't anything that i can't love about this guy, but something in wolverine just made me want to go on a hugh jackman marathon. so i did. 

then i stumbled across this movie.

real steel.

if you think i'm going to tell you what happens, i won't. obviously i'm not a professional movie reviewer, but i think this is one of the best movies i've ever watched. you know when a movie's so good, you shed a tear at the end of the movie? yes it's that good.

on the serious note though, it is phenomenal. the actors are amazing, the story board is amazing, the special effects are amazing. i don't know if hugh jackman is really a boxer or not, but it doesn't change how good the movie is.

i know this is going to sound cheesy, but the movie really brings you up. it makes you think everything (and i stress, EVERYTHING) will work out at the end, as long as you work for it. doesn't matter if you're a man, a woman, or even a robot. you might be clicking on the little red cross button to exit this page, but hear me out.

"i know it's corny, but i also think that sometimes corny is exactly what this country needs." - william hayes, "definitely maybe"

i will go no further on, but please enjoy a gif of hugh jackman boxing / doing ballet. it's awesome

i may be paranoid, but no android

e (/ˈiː/) is a vowel and the fifth letter from the alphabet. it is also the most commonly used letter in many languages, such as czech, english, french, german and spanish.

this is what the e looks like on my keyboard. unfortunate i know. i've gotten my 11" macbook air when i was in year 11, which was two years ago. don't get me wrong, i still love my baby. actually i'm loving it more and more each day.

reasons why i love this laptop:

• i've got small hands - small keyboard, great for small hands
• it's light - i travel a lot, so yeh it's just convenient
• it's a mac - let's be honest now guys. how can you not love a mac? macs are great.
• my momma and my papa got it for me

i remember my last computer was a sony vaio. i didn't really like it, but i guess it was fine. after while i got a macbook. a white one. it was quite a beautiful one, but then i got bored of it, so i gave it to my brother it broke. quelle horreur. that means i had to get a new one. i chose this one. a macbook air with an 11" monitor. it has a memory capacity of 256gb and a 4gb ram. i don't know what that means, but it sure did cost a lot more. 

i guess me and this baby have gone through thick and thin. i once almost lost it. i split tea on it. i can't say i'm entirely proud of it. sometimes it doesn't like what i'm doing on it and shuts down. it plays music suddenly. i guess it's a love-hate relationship, but i'm definitely not complaining.

two years and still going.

wow i just wrote a whole post on my laptop, but when you love something this much, it deserves a post itself.

work it hard make it better

i haven't been on this whole blogging scene for long and i don't even know what genre my blog belongs to. then i checked my email and saw this:

i have been tagged for the liebster by francesca at http://bellamomento.blogspot.co.uk/. after you've read this post, please pop over to say hi and check out her blog!

the rules:

1. the tagged/nominated blogs must have under 200 followers

2. tag the blog that nominated you

3. let the people you tagged know so that they can respond to you

questions i was asked:

1. what is your favourite time of year?

definitely autumn. autumn's groovy. or maybe october, because it's my birthday month and i'm turning eighteen. whoa adult sam i know. it's not like i'm getting any more mature but that's another question. god i'm rambling. it's not great. sorry.

2. what is your favourite memory?

i don't really remember anything. i think it was me drawing a panda on my mom's cupboard. being the smart mother that she was / is, she didn't out me out, but she told me the panda looked lonely. being the "smart" kid that i was / am, i drew another. 

it's my favourite memory, because momma lee didn't yell at me and she thought being creative was very important. she's a great mother, i love her.

3. if you could be someone else for a day, who would you pick?

the most beautiful woman in the world. nice tattoos and a great body. i WANT to be her.

her. jenah yamamoto. aka gypsyone on tumblr. aka the most perfect woman on earth. she's great. if you want to know more about her: CLICK ME

4. what's your must have beauty product?

i wish i could say something like an eyeliner or like some moisturiser. however no, it's sleep. i love sleep. i know it's not a product but it's beauty related. i really like to sleep. 

haha on the seriously note though, it would be a nars' radiant creamy concealer. i would say i like having my eyeliner done more than concealing my spots, but i have such oily skin that anything would instantly smudge on me. no kidding. it's a hard life.

5. what can you not live without?

my camera. photography is a great passion of mine and i wish i could just be a photographer. papa lee said no to that idea and said i need to do law. so here i am, in high school doing english, maths and french, which prepare me for doing law in uni. it's great really.

i wish i were a photographer. so much. it's not funny.

6. & 7. when and why did you start blogging?

late jun / early july 2013, after my exams. i thought it would be a good idea for me to keep an online diary and to express myself on some kind of platform for people to see. i guess it's great, because i can meet people who think like me. i also get to improve my photographic skills. it's a few birds with just one stone.

8. what is your favourite item of clothing?

you can't possibly make me choose one. probably large jumpers and sweatshirts. i wear them off-shouldered. they're comfy, they're nice, they look good. i mean why not?

9. who is your fashion icon?

i would say tumblr and weheartit.com. i don't have someone i actually look up to and i just do whatever i want. however, when i want inspiration, i look on these sites.

10. who inspires you the most?

whoever lives their lives. i want to live my life so bad, but i feel like i'm just here doing nothing. i want to move somewhere and take photos. it'd be amazing. i won't have to wake up at a particular time. i won't have to worry about who i'd need to please or piss off.

i tag:

http://ledeuxmoulins.wordpress.com/

http://bellamomento.blogspot.co.uk/

http://alcamori.blogspot.co.uk/

(i don't really read that many new blogs)

questions:

1. what do you like most about yourself?

2. what is your favourite colour and why?

3. would you rather to not cut your hair ever again or to have your head shaved permanently?

4. chinese food or thai food?

5. what is your favourite movie?

6. what is your favourite band?

7. what is your favourite book?

8. where would you want to visit in the future?

9. do you think: "all is fair in love and war"?

10. if i paid you $1000000, would you twerk in public?

yeh have fun guys. you can always do it and then comment. yeh. peace

the autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place, and i can picture it after all these days

school has officially started and work's already starting to pile up. it's great being back, because looking on the bright side, it's my last year of high school and that's great. this means i can finally escape the crazy school routine (waking up at 6.30 every morning to make sure i look decent for school, say whaaat?) and all those high school dramas.

also, i have my own room this year and i'm quite enjoying it. i've always shared a room with my sister, because mom wanted us to be close. i'm not complaining, because i do love my sister a lot (hi, chloe.), but this is a new experience and it's all great really. now i have my own room, i started decorating it more. it's like my little one-roomed home, but i'm still loving it. well because i'm decorating, this means money's spent. i mean A LOT of money is spent, but i guess it'll be worth it. nothing beats being comfy in your own room / personal space.

first, i got myself a little teapot. it's quite pointless really, because of its size. i can fill one cup of tea with it and i don't know, it's probably better off just taking my cup instead of a small teapot. however, it just looks soooo cute. i can't possibly leave it alone in store.

an artsy photo of me pouring my tea. 

i also got myself a new pencil bag. it's YELLOW and it says PEN ORGY on it. how cool is that? i got in on urban outfitters and it might not be the most appropriate thing to take to classes, but as long as i like it, it'd be fine. i also like how big it is. i can almost fit all my pens in it.

life would suck if you're a ruler. you're not welcomed.

then there's my wall of photos. without this, my room would look sooo empty. it keeps me feeling secure at night. also, it safe-keeps my memories in a visible place. all from last year. i know. a lot happen in a year. too much sometimes. you know that moment when you look at some pictures and wonder why you aren't friends with that person anymore? that happens too often.

that little montage at the bottoms my favourite.

 one of the reasons why i like being in an all girls' boarding school is because girls do notice and they do care. one of my english friends decided to sneak into my room, steal and use a piece of my post-its, write something on it, and stick it on my laptop. sometimes i wish i were a man. it would make life easier. girls are so much easier to like than boys. ugh boys.

and the great gatsby trailer. it's great.

it's great being back in school. i guess this is a new start. work hard everyone!

she don't cook mashed potatoes, she don't cook t-bone steaks.

me and my friend have decided it would be a good idea to cook before school gets hectic and work piles up. so we've bought some ingredients to make spaghetti bolognese. first we got:

• 1 packet of minced beef
• 1 packet of spaghetti
• 1 onion (if you like onions, you can always get more; but we're cheap asses so we only got one)
• 1 jar of tomato sauce
• 1 tube of garlic puree

well, i'm not going to lie. i don't cook. i'm from hong kong, and bitches don't cook in hong kong. my friend however has always watched her mom cook, so she knows a little about it. this is our recipe and it's by no means the best, but if it worked for us beginners, it'll work for you.

1. you cut the onion into dices and then you fry them
i'm not going to lie, this is one of the easiest steps you can imagine, BUT make sure you have a super sharp knife, or else it would take you days. it took me and my friend 15 minutes just to cut half an onion. not cool.

add some oil (we used some weight-watchers normal oil we found in the communal kitchen) into the pan/saucer. add more if the onion pieces start to stick to the saucer. fry them until brown. simple.

2. you add the minced beef into the saucer and cook until it's not raw
by this time, the mix should start smelling nice and meaty. if you're vegetarian, i'm sorry, but i love my meat in my spaghetti.

so, as this is not my own kitchen, we lack the appropriate utensils. this should not be encouraged and we would be shot by a chef if he saw us cooking like this. however, if you're a student just like me, it doesn't matter as long as the utensils are clean. improvisation is very important when you have limited resources.

3. start cooking the spaghetti
translation to normal english: dump it in hot water and let it submerge into water until it's the softness of your preference. it took around 15 minutes for me and my friend to get to our optimum softness.

also, add a pinch of salt and some oil to prevent sticking. you don't want all your hard work go to waste, do you?

4. add tomato sauce and garlic puree

dump the tomato sauce into the meat mix. stir and let it simmer. we used dolmio tomato sauce. it's a little sweet if you ask me, but oh well i think it wasn't too bad. if you think the mix is a little tasteless, put some salt or some garlic puree. i like garlic, so i've put around half a tube in.

5. sift all excess water out from the spaghetti

it's almost done. don't worry. just make sure all water's sifted away. if not, you'll either make the meat mix less salty or more tasteless; or you'll get really soggy spaghetti. either way it's not great.

6. make it look pretty

most important step of all. all humans are very visual beings. if they see the good-looking food, they'll assume the food's actually good. 

now some artsy shots of spaghetti. enjoy :)

i can't say i haven't enjoyed the whole process. it's different and it makes myself so proud when i was eating the spaghetti. also men find women who can cook so much more attractive, so i guess spaghetti bolognese is a good starting point. bon appetite.

now and then i think of when we were together.

today's the day i'm leaving hong kong. saying goodbye's always hard, but this time even harder. not only am i saying goodbye to my family, but also to a small chunk of my past life.

you know that moment when you know something's coming to an end and you don't want it to? that basically describes my situation right now. time goes on, people change, feelings change too. a person once so important to you has to make way for others to come into your life. no matter how bad you want it to last and stay, it won't. time doesn't wait for anyone. 

that moment when you think you're ready to move on, but you aren't. then you look back and wonder what had gone wrong and what else would've happened. you want to cry, but you're so sad that no tears, nothing, comes out. you're so alone and no one can help you. 

am i upset? yes i am, but i'm glad it happened. one day in my life, i'll look back smiling and think: "thank you for loving me. at least someone loved me so much once."

love is one crazy thing.