so where the hell's my hope?

not gonna lie, i want 2014 to be over. i have lost so much (unfortunately, not weight. only thing i wish i lost, but alas). this year and i cannot actually wait for it to be over.

i thought 2013 was the worst year of my life, but no. looking back, 2014's way worse. i've lost him, i've lost the friendship i thought would last a lifetime. i've lost all my aspirations to follow my dreams. worst of all i feel like i have lost myself. 

as much as it upsets me that i'm home, maybe this is best for me to not make any mistakes that can potentially ruin my life further, just like the beginning of 2013. i thought 2014 would be the best year of my life. turns out i've never been more wrong. 

2015, i beg you. please, pretty please, be nice to me. 

there'll be days like this my momma said

4.33 in the morning and brain finally turned off. "i had forgotten that this morning was this morning". maybe some reading before bed would be a good idea.

i don't remember since when i've started to like poems. maybe that time i found out my sister wrote poems. maybe that time i stayed awake in class and learnt about duffy and "disgrace". the flow of the rhythm. the onomatopoeic nature of words. the raw emotions of the poet. almost too electrical and intangible for me to touch and feel. tonight i read this. i want to feel, desperately grasping onto that last strand of romanticism in me that is not washed away by the exhaustion and frustration.

"we have both learnt the art of capture.
maybe we are learning the art of embracing.
maybe we are learning the art of letting go." - sarah kay

do you wanna build a snowman?

christmas. to many, christmas commence once the leaves turn that one rusty shade. or to some it would be when the pumpkin spiced latte makes his cameo on the starbucks menu. christmas, to me, does not start until it's in the mid 20s of december, until i can feel the cold wind in my bones and blood. well i'm just not a big christmas person (please don't shoot me).

but i want to be. i want to choose a perfect christmas tree on a cold winters day. i want to be the one who cuts the turkey open at the head of the table. i want hot chocolate with that one right person by the fireside, eating toasted marshmallows. i want to get into the christmas spirits too.

it just doesn't quite feel like christmas to me still.

think of all the places we could be

i am a college student. there i said it. it's still kinda hard to wrap my head around the whole going to college (or university if you're not american or if you don't talk american). before going to uni, i thought it would be all parties and fun. "you won't need to work hard at all! once you've passed your a-levels, you're sorted!" once said someone.

never. had. i. been. more. wrong. in. trusting. someone. 

don't even get my started.

i love university/college life. i do. i really do (promise i'm not trying to convince myself here). but there are things i have been doing wrong. like really wrong. i think everyone is on the same boat as me, but that doesn't make things right. just because someone decided to kill themselves doesn't mean i should be doing the same (but right now ending my life still sounds like a better idea than college essays). 

1. i really don't read enough anymore
   i miss the smell of paperbacks. the way the papers fold and unfold at your fingertips. the anticipation of what would happen next. i miss it all. i have exchanged john steinbeck with college essays, fitzgerald for alcohol; and there is nothing i regret more.
   
    "one must be careful of books, and what is inside them, for words have the power to change us." -- Cassandra Clare, "The Infernal Devices"
   
2. sleeping time schedules 
   let me just sum it up for you: i have a fucked up sleeping schedule. i usually go to bed at 3 in the morning and wake up at 6.30. that gives me a grand total of 3.5 hours of sleep a day. no. just no. whoever started the whole "sleeping is for the weak" should be shot in the head. no jokes.
   
   "a dream, all a dream, that ends in nothing, and leaves the sleeper where he lay down, but i wish you to know that you inspired it." -- Charles Dickens, "A Tale of Two Cities"
   
3. people in general
   i miss being in boarding school (damn, there. i said it). i knew who to trust and who to avoid. i could identify those who were true to me and those who used me. here in university, i'm not so sure anymore. they say stay true to yourself, but it worries me. what if the person doesn't like who i really am? what if i'm not who i think i am? what if i'm not important at all? in a place like college, it's confusing. there are so many one would encounter, but only so many would stay.
   
   "i have given you all and now i'm nothing." -- Allen Ginsburg, "America"
   
4. not calling home enough
   i miss calling mom, knowing she would be on the other side counting down the days till i am home again. i miss having my sister tell me her day in london and how she wanted to come back to high school. i miss home. i miss the essence of being at home. i miss dad's food photos and the way he says he'll take us all out for a fancy meal when i'm back. but with uni in the way, i just don't have the time (says me who is now procrastinating and avoiding work). maybe it's about time i pick up that goddamn phone and phone my mother.
   
   "if equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me." -- W. H. Auden, "The More Loving One"

maybe it's about time i make a change.

""dear god,' she prayed, 'let me be something every minute of every hour of my life'" -- Betty Smith, "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn"