don't you worry child. see heaven's got a plan for you.

so tomorrow's a big day for me. it's the day i'm turning eighteen. 18. EIGHTEEN. the day i become legal and, well, old. so before i tell you what i think about my birthday, i'll show you what my friends have done for me. 

they've kept me at breakfast for as long as possible, while the others blow air into endless balloons. i walked in and this is all i saw.

i'm grateful. so grateful. they've celebrated my birthday almost a week early with me, so i can feel the love. it's great knowing someone else cares for you no matter what. especially when i'm so far away from home. i've got lovely friends and i'm grateful. not to mention this is the only good thing that has happened to me all month (or even term). thank you beth, jade, eddy and sasha. i love you guys.

well 18. what can i say? or what should i say? right now i'm not even sure if i want to turn eighteen or not. eighteen. well i've been looking forward to it my whole life, since i was a child; but you know, if turning into an adult comes with all the stress, heartbreaks and misfortunes, i just want to stay young. well i just don't want to age anymore. ageing is very tiring and maybe i want the good old days back. when the most stressful thing is to make sure my uniform wasn't creased when i went to school. i want to go back to those days, but it's too late. too late.

but anyways, all thing aside. happy birthday sam. happy eighteenth. may you have an amazing life from this point onwards. forget about the heartbreaks and all the misfortune. your life is waiting ahead of you. all you need to do is just go grab it and never let go. if things or people are yours, they'll stay. don't worry child. happy birthday you little noob. don't ever change. one thing: learn to love yourself please. you're better than you think you are.

happy birthday, ma cherie. happy birthday, me.

i turn my camera on. i cut my fingers on the way.

i was on ebay the other day and i stumbled across this gem. a canonet 28. AND it came in the mail today. let's just take a moment to look at this beauty.

troy. my canonet 28. he's older than me, but still going. going strong.

i must say, this is the only good thing that has happened to me all month and it's my birthday month. it's been tiring and i did have a think about just ending everything. just jump out that window maybe. this is going to sound fake and surreal, but i feel like i haven't because i haven't done enough. i have never owned a proper film camera. i have never been to glastonbury. i have never ever felt like i worth something. maybe it's time for me to just look for myself.

i've always thought i know who i am, but i'm not so sure anymore.

what i love about film cameras is that it's irreversible. thoughts have been put into every single frame taken, giving the photo more value. also, the fact that not knowing what is going to turn out is a big attraction. isn't it great to just sit and wait to see what turns out?

but film cameras. i can now die a happy bunny. i am a proud owner of a canonet 28.

by the way, two days till home. yey.

when you're needing your space to do some navigating

so life's been really hectic recently. i don't even have the time to just slow down and breathe. that's why i've decided to take a turn out of school and chill with a friend.

you know when you're not sure if things are what you think they are anymore. i'm at that point in my life. what i've believed in since i was a kid. 

i'm not going to lie. i envy, no, i'm jealous of people with amazing lives, who don't need to work hard for it and get what they want. can't i just get that one thing i want once in a while? i'm not greedy. i only two things to happen, but so far, nada. rien. nothing. zlich.

well i guess things are going to work out at the end right? i mean i don't think things can get any worse than this. well i hope anyways. so i guess i'll just have to plough on. good luck to me and good luck to you too. i want and need this bad, but i'm sure you're probably in the same situation as me. just as hopeless and desperate.

thing is, i think this is what makes us human you know. imperfections and whatnot. or else we'd just be another species of animal, not the dominating species walking and roaming the earth right? 

sometimes i just like looking and seeing without any glasses or contacts. makes the feeling more authentic and it takes you one step back. it's hard and it's tiring always seeing so clearly. don't forget the bigger picture. everything blends into one soft picturesque scene. 

good luck.

tree jeans though :D

it's not that i don't feel the pain, it's just i'm not afraid of hurting anymore

so i study in bristol, in an all girls' boarding school; and occasionally, i get to escape to the beautiful capital of london. london's one of the greatest and prettiest cities in the world and i'm just so lucky to be able to go to london last weekend. my sister goes to school in london (lucky woman) and i have the chance of staying with her.

 

london's full of artistic attributes and i love it all. everything in london is spectacular. colourful, vibrant, dynamic. i mean look at the signs. they're so pretty.

 

 

then i came across this. i know for most people this isn't a big deal, but it is for me. we used to have these in hong kong, until the government changed the design of these and it no longer has a button or a screen on it. horrible. this is nostalgic for me. it's like i'm looking at my past, when i wasn't tall enough to press it and asking momma to help me press the button or to hold me so i can press the button.

 

me and my sister wanted chinese, so we took the bus and the tube all the way from west hampstead, which took us about an hour to get there. however, we came across byron and we decided we want burger instead. i mean it does look pretty amazing, doesn't it?

so, the main reason why i went to london was because i had tickets to see paramore. i'm not going to lie, i didn't like paramore that much before. the person who went with me didn't either. we only got the tickets because they were really really cheap.

also we thought of selling the tickets because people there were really shady. then we overheard a conversation and we decided to stay.

boy: "i don't shout." (we were about two metres from them and it was like he was standing beside me)
girl: "it's ok. i can still hear you. do you want to take a picture of the sunset? "
boy: "nah, i'm not a photo person."

*15 minutes later* - boy takes a selfie
boy: "ok don't look at me like that. can't i take a photo of myself? i think i look quite good today"

by this point, my friend and i decided we're going to stay. it was so funny we just had to.

 

first we saw eliza and the bear, who was so good. i'm now following their music. check them out if you have time. CLICK ME to check out their music. then we saw charli xcx. she's not bad, but i didn't enjoy it, because i didn't pay to see her. FINALLY PARAMORE CAME ON.

even though i knew nothing about hayley williams and only started listening to their album after i got the tickets, hayley was amazing on stage. she's not just a singer, but also a performer. the whole night we sang (yes, you read it right. we did. she made us sing with her. not complaining though), we danced, we had fun. it was soo good.

that night, i've also taken one of the photos that i'm most proud of. check this photo out. you can see how amazing Hayley's figure is. so skinny. i just love this photo. maybe i have a talent. maybe i can go take photos at concert. professional concert photographer. does have a ring to it.

apparently, paramore was recording the daydreaming music video that night as well. one day, when i'm ninety and when i have grandchildren, i can tell my grandkids: "grandma was cool. grandma went to paramore in 2013 when i was seventeen. i saw hayley and she was amazing. i was in the daydreaming music video."

the thing i learnt in this is that maybe things do seem bleak at the moment. i had the worst time in my life in this past month. then hayley said on stage: "things might seem bad at the moment, but it'll all turn out fine. you just have to let go."

maybe it's time to let go and give myself a break. life is hard, is it not?

one thing though. going to london was good. my sister has learnt to cool and she cooked me ramen for breakfast. she's an awesome one. god i miss my sister.

until next time, stay strong.

"i don't even know myself at all. i thought i would be happy by now." - paramore, last hope