all i want is the wind in my hair, to face the fear but not feel scared

"me? i'm scared of everything! i'm scared of what i saw. i'm scared of what i did, of who i am. and most of all, i'm scare of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life... the way i feel when i'm with you!" - baby, "dirty dancing"

pretty much sums up my fears

i guess people deal with their fears everyday. i'm not afraid of many things; i'm fearless, but i'll always be scared no matter how old i grow. the worst. definitely knowing you don't matter anymore to someone. that's the worst. oh and bugs. they creepy too.

grandpa, take me back to yesterday, where the line between right and wrong didn't seem so hazy.

do i really want to grow up?

i've always wanted to grow up. growing up just seemed like the right thing to do. however, lately i've been having other thoughts. i don't even know if i'm the same person anymore.

my mother said "sam, do you not like coming home anymore? our views on life and things are just so different". i still like going home, but i cannot deny how much i've changed. the way i dress, the way i talk, the way i act.

anyways, growing up seems so much of a hassle right now. might just stop growing for a bit and just stay young. meeh i don't know.

http://thetangential.com/2011/10/12/things-about-adulthood-that-i-expected-would-be-way-cooler/

a little rant before bed

technology has improved immensely in the past few decades and so many people are to be thanked because of that. however who is the smart person who thought the idea of putting "last seen", "read at" and "last online" in messages? that person i'd like to thank your face with my fist. 

first of all, as a frequent message sender, i know the fear of people not replying and not seeing my message. back in those days when we didn't have anything but just plain messages, i could always assume the receiver has not read it. however nowadays i can't assume, because i would be able to check whether the person has read or has been online and is just deliberately ignoring me or not. i'm not going to lie, but it hurts when i know you're just not replying to me. 

second, i might be just as selfish and not want to read my messages. doesn't everyone want a day or two sometimes just to be alone and shut the world out? now that the genius has added this function in, i can't not reply to a person, because i've been online. sometimes in order to not be a bitch, i just don't reply to anyone. socializing is very tiring and i really do need a break from people sometimes you know. 

this is really starting to bother me, but then again everything is. i can't blame it on the people, because they're my friends and i do love them to bits. it's just sometimes i prefer the olden days, when everything was handwritten and just more precious. i miss getting letters from people and i like nice handwriting. it's always an awesome bonus when you open a card and see the person writing put effort into it. 

or it might just be the heat and the humidity. or even fatigue. anyways, rant over, so goodnight world. peace out.