think of all the places we could be

i am a college student. there i said it. it's still kinda hard to wrap my head around the whole going to college (or university if you're not american or if you don't talk american). before going to uni, i thought it would be all parties and fun. "you won't need to work hard at all! once you've passed your a-levels, you're sorted!" once said someone.

never. had. i. been. more. wrong. in. trusting. someone. 

don't even get my started.

i love university/college life. i do. i really do (promise i'm not trying to convince myself here). but there are things i have been doing wrong. like really wrong. i think everyone is on the same boat as me, but that doesn't make things right. just because someone decided to kill themselves doesn't mean i should be doing the same (but right now ending my life still sounds like a better idea than college essays). 

1. i really don't read enough anymore
   i miss the smell of paperbacks. the way the papers fold and unfold at your fingertips. the anticipation of what would happen next. i miss it all. i have exchanged john steinbeck with college essays, fitzgerald for alcohol; and there is nothing i regret more.
   
    "one must be careful of books, and what is inside them, for words have the power to change us." -- Cassandra Clare, "The Infernal Devices"
   
2. sleeping time schedules 
   let me just sum it up for you: i have a fucked up sleeping schedule. i usually go to bed at 3 in the morning and wake up at 6.30. that gives me a grand total of 3.5 hours of sleep a day. no. just no. whoever started the whole "sleeping is for the weak" should be shot in the head. no jokes.
   
   "a dream, all a dream, that ends in nothing, and leaves the sleeper where he lay down, but i wish you to know that you inspired it." -- Charles Dickens, "A Tale of Two Cities"
   
3. people in general
   i miss being in boarding school (damn, there. i said it). i knew who to trust and who to avoid. i could identify those who were true to me and those who used me. here in university, i'm not so sure anymore. they say stay true to yourself, but it worries me. what if the person doesn't like who i really am? what if i'm not who i think i am? what if i'm not important at all? in a place like college, it's confusing. there are so many one would encounter, but only so many would stay.
   
   "i have given you all and now i'm nothing." -- Allen Ginsburg, "America"
   
4. not calling home enough
   i miss calling mom, knowing she would be on the other side counting down the days till i am home again. i miss having my sister tell me her day in london and how she wanted to come back to high school. i miss home. i miss the essence of being at home. i miss dad's food photos and the way he says he'll take us all out for a fancy meal when i'm back. but with uni in the way, i just don't have the time (says me who is now procrastinating and avoiding work). maybe it's about time i pick up that goddamn phone and phone my mother.
   
   "if equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me." -- W. H. Auden, "The More Loving One"

maybe it's about time i make a change.

""dear god,' she prayed, 'let me be something every minute of every hour of my life'" -- Betty Smith, "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn"