i turn my camera on. i cut my fingers on the way.

i was on ebay the other day and i stumbled across this gem. a canonet 28. AND it came in the mail today. let's just take a moment to look at this beauty.

troy. my canonet 28. he's older than me, but still going. going strong.

i must say, this is the only good thing that has happened to me all month and it's my birthday month. it's been tiring and i did have a think about just ending everything. just jump out that window maybe. this is going to sound fake and surreal, but i feel like i haven't because i haven't done enough. i have never owned a proper film camera. i have never been to glastonbury. i have never ever felt like i worth something. maybe it's time for me to just look for myself.

i've always thought i know who i am, but i'm not so sure anymore.

what i love about film cameras is that it's irreversible. thoughts have been put into every single frame taken, giving the photo more value. also, the fact that not knowing what is going to turn out is a big attraction. isn't it great to just sit and wait to see what turns out?

but film cameras. i can now die a happy bunny. i am a proud owner of a canonet 28.

by the way, two days till home. yey.

quite a stroll down memory lane.

"i walk down memory lane because i know that i'll run into you there." - unknown

i am a very sentimental being and i always try to avoid looking at old photos. photos are there for a reason: to remind you of the past and to look forward to making new memories. i, as a kid, had always loved taking pictures and being taken. however, as i grew up, i started drifting away from the whole modelling-for-a-camera business and started taking pictures of my own. first it was a white sony cybershot. then it was a white olympus e pl-1. now i am a proud owner of a canon 600d. 

picture quality is getting better and better, but the feeling while taking photos does not necessarily correspond with the quality. the first thing that popped into mind was "hell, why would i wear something like this?", or "wow, i was skinny once", or even "thank god i don't pose like this anymore". then i looked again. yes, the quality of the pictures are incomparable with the ones now, but look at me. look at us. everything is so genuine. going on my first boat trip, going to japan for the first time, feeding my dad's horse for the first time. these are all so nostalgic to me. 

i've always been a lucky girl. my family is on the wealthy side of the spectrum. we're not the wealthiest, but we're ok. travelling has always been on the family summer agenda. japan, usa, canada, hawaii, singapore, cambodia. these places we've all been. that's why i'm getting used to the fact that we travel a lot. don't get me wrong, i still get excited when i go, but nowhere near how excited i once was when i first set foot in the tokyo airport. 

walking down memory lane isn't about finding my childhood crush, or that odd person who always went on the same trip as us (trust me, there were families that went to the same trips with us and we didn't even know them). it's about finding myself. that feeling of adventure and experiencing new things. i love my life now, but sometimes it's always good to just take a moment to recap the past. 

to all that are disillusioned or down for the moment, 

things will work out at the end. you've done great so far and don't let one thing bring you down. i know everyone's got bad moments, but please you can do it as long as you believe you can. it's all worth it at the end of the day. 

this is obviously a posed photo.

i haven't seen my brother in swimming trucks for 3 years. this is greeeaaat.

we just looked so happy.

she was holdin' a pair, but i had to try

so when you're home with your family, you probably would watch a movie or chat. well this isn't what we do in the lee abode. we gamble. big two, poker, black jack, you name it. however, our favourite has always been mahjong. i've been playing since i was in year two. impressive i know. 

today was another normal (gambling) day in the lee's household. as always, my brother was winning. he doesn't really have the skills, but he has the luck. i mean who needs skills when you have luck? he WAS winning until this.

i won't need to explain how good this combo is to people who play mahjong. to people who don't play mahjong, this is harder than winning the lottery, which is 1 in 13,983,816. i'm not the best in maths, but my godbrother helped me calculate the probability of getting this combo and he said some number with seventeen zeros. that doesn't really mean anything to me. all i know this combo has gotten me 300 HKD or 3000 points.

god, i just love home.

an oath to never stop loving movies

everytime i see something related to pixar or dreamworks, it upsets me. it's not that the movies aren't good or that i don't like them. it's because i like them too much. even since i had watched my first pixar movie toy story when i was a very young child, i've been hooked. the movies themselves are incredibly detailed and as a self-confessed movie addict, this is what i want to find in every movie.

my favourite animated movie is either how to train your dragon, up or rise of the guardians. doesn't matter how old i turn, i will still cry every time i watch these movies. no joke. how can you NOT cry when you see hiccup willing of giving up his life for his dragon, or when ellie dies, or when jamie can finally see jack frost? these movies aren't the most realistic of all movies, but they are the ones that touch my heart and remain memorable throughout my life.

little expressions and details. up is the best movie in the world

i've watched these movies so many times i can quote them. just like mean girls and she's the man. however, when you say "i can quote cartoons" out loud, it's not as respected as "i can quote mean girls and she's the man". people look at me like i'm three, but i don't care. sometimes staying innocent is just what i want. seriously i mean who wouldn't want to go to school everyday and still enjoy it? i don't hate school now, but i can't say i love every moment of it.

you might say, if you enjoy it that much, why won't you go work for pixar or something? crazily enough, i actually have thought about doing art, maths, physics and photography to do art in university, which means i would be able to maybe get a job in pixar. however, even though i'm passionate about it, it doesn't mean i'm good at it. art, in fact, is the subject i've done the worst in. also, a girl's gotta eat. therefore i gotta do what a person's gotta do to get money. that's why i've chosen to do law in uni. don't get me wrong. i do like law, but do i like it so much i'd want to spend every moment of the rest of my life doing it? hell no. yikes.

i love art and photography. i adore cinematography. however, it's not practical for me to do it in university. my father's got four kids, and if all his kids did an arts degree then a law conversion, he would die from all the money he would need to pay for our universities. some would say "if you've got a passion, go ahead and do it". i can't. i can't be selfish and just let my dad suffer. i know it won't do a lot, but every little helps when you have four kids who breathe in money.

however, nothing on this world and i stress NOTHING will ever make me stop loving animated movies, or even just movies. even though most people don't notice this, producers and directors put so much effort into these movies, months, sometimes even years, so people who watch these would have a good time. so dear producers, i salute you and i thank you, for making my childhood a better memory.

how can anyone not love this?

when you gonna live you life right?

hong kong. where do i start? let's just list some facts first.

• it's one of the smallest cities in the whole world
• it has an amazing railway service - and i mean it. it's greaaat.
• it's a beautiful place
• it's home

i went out for supper with a great friend today and we caught sight of the amazing skyline. he started teaching me how to properly use a camera. what to do when there's a lot of light. what to do when i don't want a shadow to look that way. i've always loved photography, but this has opened my eyes to a whole new world. photography gives me a fresh new perspective to see the world and i like that. 

i guess when one over-thinks, everything one sees, one can relate to life. that was what i was like when i took all these photos. photography is like life. you'd always want the best out of a photo. i want the light to hit the object in this direction and only on that area. i want that boat out of the way. i want to calm the waves. however what do you know what's the best until you've tried all ways?

"how do you know which shutter speed and what size of the aperture to use?"

"you don't. you just need to try until you get the best photo. you won't really know what is perfect until you've seen the imperfect ones and improve from them."

my friend is only four months older than me, yet he's so much more mature than i am. he doesn't just know how to survive, which is what i'm doing, but he's living his life. he knows what he wants and he works for it. i felt slightly ashamed when he was talking about how he picked up photography and learnt himself. i always say to myself: "sam, it's ok if you don't know how to, no one really taught you", but that's not the way to go. i'm not hungry enough to find the knowledge and learn it and make it mine.

i'm one of those kids, who never knows what she wants to do in the future. i have no special passion and no burning desire to study one particular subject in university. hence law. i do like law, but am i passionate about it? let's be honest, it's kinda hard to be passionate about a legal system. i'm still going to do it in university. i'm that kind of girl who prefers bread more than love. a girl's gotta eat you know.

however, now i know i'm passionate about something too. i want to live. i want to feel alive. photography takes me there. another reason why i love photography is that i like the fact that no photo i take would ever be the same as another. just like my experiences in life. not a single feeling is the same if you think about it. today i'm happy and satisfied. tomorrow i might be satisfied, but not happy. yesterday, i was happy, but not satisfied. i'm constantly changing, just like the photos i take. it's always about balancing everything out.

as i have mentioned in the last post i've written, i have been down and battered. i'm tired. i constantly feel sick of myself. sick of the fact that i can't even protect myself from the pain. when i looked through the viewfinder of my camera and saw the beautiful sea, the thought of just jumping in and terminating all the trouble i'm going through was very very tempting. then my friend said,

"it's hard to grab hold onto so dynamic and it's always easier to just choose something else, but there is a certain attractiveness to this."

i looked at him. in the future, when i'm sixty, i'll look back at this time of my life and i'll smile. i won't laugh, but i'll pat myself on the back for not ending everything right there. it is hard to be remembered and to leave a mark on the earth. it's easier to just end this all right there, but is it the best way? i haven't left my mark yet. i haven't experienced anything. i haven't lived.

it was time to go home and i looked one last time at the beautiful harbour. hong kong is such a beautiful place. not only is it beautiful, it has taught me so much. it's a place of hope and dreams. yesterday i was at the worst position in my whole life. today i'm doing well. tomorrow i'm going conquer the world. metaphorically. i won't go around shooting innocent civilians. pinky promise.

to the person who taught me how to take photos:

life is hard right now for you too. i know. just remember no matter how hard it is, it will pass. also the harder you've gone through, the easier the next obstacle will be. one day, when you're sixty and four months old, you and i will be standing at the same spot on the side of the harbour, talking how life's whizzed by and how memories last. you've taught me so much and inspired me so much. i cannot thank you enough. thank you. thank you for teaching me how to take photos. thank you for cheering me up today and giving me hope. thank you for sharing your darkest secrets with me. thank you for being alive and awesome. i cannot be more grateful to have you in my life. i don't just care about you. i respect you with all my heart.

don't forget how to relax. it's bad for your health to be too uptight. smile a little more. you look nicer with a smile hanging off your face. it takes 33 muscles to frown, but it only takes 13 to smile. you can also use 4 to slap that bitch hard if you want, but violence is not promoted in our society unfortunately. no matter what happens, even if the sky falls down, i would be there for you. just say it and i'll come to you. it's hard right now, but it'll be ok. i promise.

it's all about food

food. where do i start? well let's start with my opinion on food. i've never been picky with food, but when it comes to the food i like, i just can't stop. hence my body size. however, if you'd let me choose, i would always choose to eat (a lot) and then exercise (a little). i mean, you're not here on earth for a long time, so why not enjoy yourself and eat whatever you like? also, i bet guys like girls who are cuddly and chubby, like teddy bears. who would rather going home to a stick than to a polar bear? well, i'm the polar bear. i know this is an excuse for myself to ignore the fact that i'm gaining some pounds, but i'm happy.

so what is your favourite food? my brother's fave is definitely chocolate. i have never seen anyone gobble up chocolate as quickly as my brother. he's practically the chocolate black hole. well for me it's cupcakes, especially cookies and cream ones. *drooling* i can eat it anytime, anywhere, with anyone, in any way. i'm not exaggerating. i'm usually a savoury person, and i do appreciate it when people give me food. however, if you want to win me over, my heart and soul, it's cupcakes. 

so me and my friend / wife, jade, hung out the other day and we found a cupcakery in tsim sha tsui. surprise surprise i had to sit down for some. i got a cookie monster, while jade got a pepperminty-chocolate one. even just thinking about devouring that cupcake is making my mouth water. if i could marry cupcakes, i would. i mean why not? that means if i eat my spouse, i'll be able to marry more. there would never be a day when i've had enough of cupcakes. 

perfection on a plate

my usual creepy friend posing with cupcakes

today is my first day of work and i didn't want to be late, so i've decided to leave home earlier. i wouldn't say i arrived too much earlier than the time i should've. i was only one whole hour early, and as per usual, being the dumbo that i am, i didn't bring any sort of entertainment with me. a whole hour, sixty minutes, three thousand six hundred seconds. thinking "well maybe i'm a little hungry, i should get some breakfast", i strolled into starbucks and ordered myself a small hot chocolate.

"miss, what's your name?"

"sam. my name is sam."

then i proceeded to sit down at the nearest table. around ten minutes later, one of the barristas called out "a small hot chocolate". i looked around, thinking "hmm, someone has good taste", but no one came forward for it. so i got up and looked at it. miss tam. not me. i sat down. sam, tam. sounds kinda similar, doesn't it? then i realised: maybe i'm the miss tam. people don't usually call me sam, even though i insist on people calling me that. sammy, sammie, samcho, samancho, sam lee. but never sam. i guess also i'm in hong kong and people are not used to girls having guy names. thank you starbucks, for changing my surname. it sure made my day.

i'm loving my new surname. sam tam. awesome.

after losing self-control not constraining myself from any of my comfort food, i met up with another friend, janice, for supper.

"sam, i'm gaining weight"

"don't be silly, you're not. you're as skinny as a stick."

"i have a boat party in october and i wanna look good."

damn. looking at my friend who is about half my size, all i really wanted to do at that time was just to hide in a corner with a tub of ice cream and to never see the light of day again. i'm turning eighteen in october and damn, i want to look good too. "let's eat salad" i suggested, feeling super-duper guilty about all the food i had in the past week. maybe it's time for me to shed some weight. don't get me wrong, i feel happy eating; but i think it's about time i faced the truth. it's about time i should lose some weight and control my appetite.

so we went to this cool place for salad. it's nice there and i loved the salad i had. maybe it's not that bad dieting and living a healthier lifestyle. i know i said earlier that i think guys like chubby and cute-looking girls, but really who am i kidding? before they want you fat to scare other guys off, they'd want you as hot as a victoria secret model, which i'm nowhere near. so i guess the way to go right now is to eat super healthy. super healthy doesn't mean yucky food. it means food with less oil, sugar, salt and all kinds of harmful substances. i've just got to learn to embrace it.

my healthy chicken-roasted-garlic-onions salad. it's actually pretty amazing

but this doesn't mean i'm giving up on cupcakes. i will NEVER give up cupcakes. ever.

keep calm and relax my ass off

summer has officially started for me and so i packed my bags/suitcases and hopped onto a plane to hong kong, which is home. even though i am sad about leaving school and my friends behind, it's just great going back home and spending time with my family. so when i saw my mom and co. at the airport, i was over the moon. 

the heat in hong kong is almost unbearable, so i had chosen to go straight back home right after my flight journey to just shower and sort out my life basically. the air-conditioning is on and it felt like heaven in the flat. then this grabbed my attention.

my poor sofa. apparently the new ones on its way. thank god.

someone has broken the sofa. after a long period of interrogation, i found out that my brother and my god-brother are the culprits. boys boys boys. apparently my brother was on the sofa, watching tv, while my god-brother decided it was a good idea to just sit on my brother. well i think not.

as you can see in the next picture, i have successfully marked my territory at home with my laptop and other random bits of items i own. i mean there are four kids at home, so if i don't move fast, i won't get anywhere to just sit down and chill on my laptop. this does in fact feel a little like a dog peeing over land to show the others who's boss. in my household, i am.

i'm proud to announce sam is the winner of the pissing contest.

 my brother's favourite spot in the whole flat for sure. there's actually a reason why it is though. if you look straight, you see the ginormous tv with all kinds of game consoles and machines and whatnots. if you look right, you see the view of the balcony and sometimes a little strip of sunset. if you look left, you look directly into the kitchen / the food prepared. the science of choosing where to sit.

i then ventured into my room next. in order to make it more homey, i've lit a candle and it's still sitting quietly in a corner burning away. it smells like lemon tarts. i mean why not? even though it's meant to be a christmas scent, it's my (and my sister's) room, so i'm just going to do whatever i want unless momma lee gets involved (she never plays fair).

ain't this cute? my little baby fisheye-lomography-colourful-cutsy film camera that hangs off my keys. might have to get if off my keys though. last time when i had them on, i couldn't open the doors, because my hands were too small to handle that bundle in my hand. did i mention i have a teddy bear about the size of a tennis ball hanging off my keys? haha maybe not.

my little fish eye <3 it actually takes picture.

this is the intellectual corner. just looking at it makes me feel smart. sadly my sister has contributed into this little pile. right now i need to get on and just read as much as i can. next book on the reading list: paradise lost - john milton.

as you can see, there's quite a lot for me to go through. but hell, i've got a whole summer.

i have decided to add a photo of me dressing up as a bride when i was a child. my mom has always wanted me to get married and to have a family of my own. do i want that? hell i don't know, i'm only seventeen and i refuse to make life-changing decisions (other than university choices). but yeh, here is a photo of me fancy-dressing. i was very very cute.

looooook at those chubby chubby cheeks. god i was adorable

home slippers. may i just add, these are the smallest pair i can find in the whole flat and now they're mine. my preeeecious. it's not like anyone's got big feet in the family. my mom and my sister are a size 36. i'm a 37. my dad's a 38. my brother's a 41. my god-brother's a 43. but look at these, i swear they're like a size 50 or whatsoever. doesn't mean i don't love them though. they're just so comfy.

white and oversized slippers. gotta love anything oversized <3

although coming home is a wonderful thing, something always happens against our wills and we humans, who have no control over matters like these, call it misfortunes. however in my case, it's worse and more serious than just misfortune. one of my four dogs is in hospital and in critical conditions. she has a malfunctioning liver and i don't even know if she is actually alright or not right now. to those who don't have any pets, pets are just like family, and i really don't know what to do without any single one of mine.

bebe, if you can hear me, don't worry about anything. i'm home now and i'll come see you tomorrow. be strong my baby girl. i promise it won't be as hard as the last time you were in hospital. you can show them who's the boss and come home healthy. it's just another obstacle and you'll be fine. i'll get a cake and we can celebrate when you're out. i love you and stay strong girl. come home soon, we all miss you.

my baby girl when she was healthy. you'll do great. i have faith in you.

summer's begun and i'm planning to just enjoy myself. it's not like i'm always home. also it's the last summer before i turn eighteen / legal. whooop can't wait. so right now i'm going to relax and just let everything run its course. summer here i come.